As Happy As I Get

thank you

2011-12-09T07:36:00.003+01:00

sights and sounds from Bhutan. A very creative video!

time goes by

2011-11-21T06:15:00.003+01:00

While you are awake

Stay awake and don’t drift into dreams
Don’t sway here and there
but let your thoughts flow and go.

The past is nothing but a dream
Written on an uneven slate of sand
To be washed by the moving tides
Forgotten or layered in piles.

The future is yet to become
A mold out of the clay
but it is never certain
of what the mold will become.

Focus on the wonderful now
and watch time go in slow motion
there's bigger purpose in life than this
so let that unfold in the present.

from my anthology collection

picture: from my deviant collection

Be aware

2011-03-28T11:09:00.005+02:00

Be aware,

Just be,

Peace lies there,

Do it and see.

Jealousy and envy,

shades of madness,

Both within you,

And so is happiness.

The mind stays best,

Absorbed in the moment,

No flitting thoughts,

The acid test.

The tea in your cup,

Is aroma not storm,

Inhale the beauty,

Admire the form.

Sleep when you sleep,

The slumber of the just,

A promise you need to keep,

And that you must.

Let the day go by,

Neither fast nor slow,

Let time fly,

Just go with the flow.

One thing at a time ,

Is a cliche well-worn,

Stay in the present,

Your tranquility unshorn

picture: taken last weekend

poem by Ashok Sawhny

A Dialogue with Oneself

2010-11-19T07:22:00.005+01:00

I've taken this from http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/

I've been reading a lot of Krishnaji's work these days. I do not know how to explain his speeches and conversations, one has to read it in order to comprehend what he's talking about. I hope this article I've put here will inspire people to read more of his works.

"J. Krashnamurti is regarded as one of the greatest thinkers and teachers of all time. His teaching, besides being relevant to the modern age, is timeless and universal. The core of Krishnamurti’s teaching is contained in the statement he made in 1929 when he said, “Truth is a pathless land”. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophical knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection."

J. Krishnamurti A Dialogue with Oneself

I realize that love cannot exist when there is jealousy; love cannot exist when there is attachment. Now, is it possible for me to be free of jealousy and attachment? I realize that I do not love. That is a fact. I am not going to deceive myself; I am not going to pretend to my wife that I love her. I do not know what love is. But I do know that I am jealous and I do know that I am terribly attached to her and that in attachment there is fear, there is jealousy, anxiety; there is a sense of dependence. I do not like to depend but I depend because I am lonely; I am shoved around in the office, in the factory and I come home and I want to feel comfort and companionship, to escape from myself. Now I ask myself: how am I to be free of this attachment? I am taking that just as an example.

At first, I want to run away from the question. I do not know how it is going to end up with my wife. When I am really detached from her my relationship to her may change. She might be attached to me and I might not be attached to her or to any other woman. But I am going to investigate. So I will not run away from what I imagine might be the consequence of being totally free of all attachment. I do not know what love is, but I see very clearly, definitely, without any doubt, that attachment to my wife means jealousy, possession, fear, anxiety and I want freedom from all that. So I begin to enquire; I look for a method and I get caught in a system. Some guru says: ``I will help you to be detached, do this and this; practise this and this.'' I accept what he says because I see the importance of being free and he promises me that if I do what he says I will have reward. But I see that way that I am looking for reward. I see how silly I am; wanting to be free and getting attached to a reward.

I do not want to be attached and yet I find myself getting attached to the idea that somebody, or some book, or some method, will reward me with freedom from attachment. So, the reward becomes an attachment. So I say: ``Look what I have done; be careful, do not get caught in that trap.'' Whether it is a woman, a method, or an idea, it is still attachment. I am very watchful now for I have learned something; that is, not to exchange attachment for something else that is still attachment.

I ask myself: ``What am I to do to be free of attachment?'' What is my motive in wanting to be free of attachment? Is it not that I want to achieve a state where there is no attachment, no fear and so on? And I suddenly realize that motive gives direction and that direction will dictate my freedom. Why have a motive? What is motive? A motive is a hope, or a desire, to achieve something. I see that I am attached to a motive. Not only my wife, not only my idea, the method, but my motive has become my attachment! So I am all the time functioning within the field of attachment - the wife, the method and the motive to achieve something in the future. To all this I am attached. I see that it is a tremendously complex thing; I did not realize that to be free of attachment implied all this. Now, I see this as clearly as I see on a map the main roads, the side roads and the villages; I see it very clearly. Then I say to myself: ``Now, is it possible for me to be free of the great attachment I have for my wife and also of the reward which I think I am going to get and of my motive?'' To all this I am attached. Why? Is it that I am insufficient in myself? Is it that I am very very lonely and therefore seek to escape from that feeling of isolation by turning to a woman, an idea, a motive; as if I must hold onto something? I see that it is so, I am lonely and escaping through attachment to something from that feeling of extraordinary isolation.

So I am interested in understanding why I am lonely, for I see it is that which makes me attached. That loneliness has forced me to escape through attachment to this or to that and I see that as long as I am lonely the sequence will always be this. What does it mean to be lonely? How does it come about? Is it instinctual, inherited, or is it brought about by my daily activity? If it is an instinct, if it is inherited, it is part of my lot; I am not to blame. But as I do not accept this, I question it and remain with the question. I am watching and I am not trying to find an intellectual answer. I am not trying to tell the loneliness what it should do, or what it is; I am watching for it to tell me. There is a watchfulness for the loneliness to reveal itself. It will not reveal itself if I run away; if I am frightened; if I resist it. So I watch it. I watch it so that no thought interferes. Watching is much more important than thought coming in. And because my whole energy is concerned with the observation of that loneliness thought does not come in at all. The mind is being challenged and it must answer. Being challenged it is in a crisis. In a crisis you have great energy and that energy remains without being interfered with by thought. This is a challenge which must be answered.

I started out having a dialogue with myself. I asked myself what is this strange thing called love; everybody talks about it, writes about it - all the romantic poems, pictures, sex and all other areas of it? I ask: is there such a thing as love? I see it does not exist when there is jealousy, hatred, fear. So I am not concerned with love anymore; I am concerned with `what is', my fear, my attachment. Why am I attached? I see that one of the reasons - I do not say it is the whole reason - is that I am desperately lonely, isolated. The older I grow the more isolated I -- Page 5 -- become. So I watch it. This is a challenge to find out, and because it is a challenge all energy is there to respond. That is simple. If there is some catastrophe, an accident or whatever it is, it is a challenge and I have the energy to meet it. I do not have to ask: ``How do I get this energy?'' When the house is on fire I have the energy to move; extraordinary energy. I do not sit back and say: ``Well, I must get this energy'' and then wait; the whole house will be burned by then.

So there is this tremendous energy to answer the question: why is there this loneliness? I have rejected ideas, suppositions and theories that it is inherited, that it is instinctual. All that means nothing to me. Loneliness is `what is'. Why is there this loneliness which every human being, if he is at all aware, goes through, superficially or most profoundly? Why does it come into being? Is it that the mind is doing something which is bringing it about? I have rejected theories as to instinct and inheritance and I am asking: is the mind, the brain itself, bringing about this loneliness, this total isolation? Is the movement of thought doing this? Is the thought in my daily life creating this sense of isolation? In the office I am isolating myself because I want to become the top executive, therefore thought is working all the time isolating itself. I see that thought is all the time operating to make itself superior, the mind is working itself towards this isolation.

So the problem then is: why does thought do this? Is it the nature of thought to work for itself? Is it the nature of thought to create this isolation? Education brings about this isolation; it gives me a certain career, a certain specialization and so, isolation. Thought, being fragmentary, being limited and time binding, is creating this isolation. In that limitation, it has found security saying: ``I have a special career in my life; I am a professor; I am perfectly safe.'' So my concern is then: why does thought do it? Is it in its very nature to do this? Whatever thought does must be limited.

Now the problem is: can thought realize that whatever it does is limited, fragmented and therefore isolating and that whatever it does will be thus? This is a very important point: can thought itself realize its own limitations? Or am I telling it that it is limited? This, I see, is very important to understand; this is the real essence of the matter. If thought realizes itself that it is limited then there is no resistance, no conflict; it says, ``I am that''. But if I am telling it that it is limited then I become separate from the limitation. Then I struggle to overcome the limitation, therefore there is conflict and violence, not love.

So does thought realize of itself that it is limited? I have to find out. I am being challenged. Because I am challenged I have great energy. Put it differently: does consciousness realize its content is itself? Or is it that I have heard another say: ``Consciousness is its content; its content makes up consciousness''? Therefore I say, ``Yes, it is so''. Do you see the difference between the two? The latter, created by thought, is imposed by the `me'. If I impose something on thought then there is conflict. It is like a tyrannical government imposing on someone, but here that government is what I have created.

So I am asking myself: has thought realized its own limitations? Or is it pretending to be something extraordinary, noble, divine? - which is nonsense because thought is based on memory. I see that there must be clarity about this point: that there is no outside influence imposing on thought saying it is limited. Then, because there is no imposition there is no conflict; it simply realizes it is limited; it realizes that whatever it does - its worship of god and so on - is limited, shoddy, petty - even though it has created marvellous cathedrals throughout Europe in which to worship.

So there has been in my conversation with myself the discovery that loneliness is created by thought. Thought has now realized of itself that it is limited and so cannot solve the problem of loneliness. As it cannot solve the problem of loneliness, does loneliness exist? Thought has created this sense of loneliness, this emptiness, because it is limited, fragmentary, divided and when it realizes this, loneliness is not, therefore there is freedom from attachment. I have done nothing; I have watched the attachment, what is implied in it, greed, fear, loneliness, all that and by tracing it, observing it, not analysing it, but just looking, looking and looking, there is the discovery that thought has done all this. Thought, because it is fragmentary, has created this attachment. When it realizes this, attachment ceases. There is no effort made at all. For the moment there is effort - conflict is back again.

In love there is no attachment; if there is attachment there is no love. There has been the removal of the major factor through negation of what it is not, through the negation of attachment. I know what it means in my daily life: no remembrance of anything my wife, my girl friend, or my neighbour did to hurt me; no attachment to any image thought has created about her; how she has bullied me, how she has given me comfort, how I have had pleasure sexually, all the different things of which the movement of thought has created images; attachment to those images has gone.

And there are other factors: must I go through all those step by step, one by one? Or is it all over? Must I go through, must I investigate - as I have investigated attachment - fear, pleasure and the desire for comfort? I see that I do not have to go through all the investigation of all these various factors; I see it at one glance, I have captured it.

So, through negation of what is not love, love is. I do not have to ask what love is. I do not have to run after it. If I run after it, it is not love, it is a reward. So I have negated, I have ended, in that enquiry, slowly, carefully, without distortion, without illusion, everything that it is not - the other is.

new templates

2010-09-24T12:59:00.004+02:00

Updated both my blogs with new templates . You can find some good ones (eps. for blogger user) here. Its freely downloadable and easy to use. After downloading the template, head to setting, click on design and then click on edit HTML. Upload the new template and your done.

I am using Kesemutan for my anthology and notepad-chaos-2 for this one.

world of books

2010-09-20T06:32:00.007+02:00

some of the books i read during these couple of months. Thanks to all the holidays this September

Buddha, A story of enlightenment - Deepak Chopra

Most stories of Buddha I've read is full of metaphor, almost fairy tale like and it makes you think that Gautama the prince was destined for such a faith. However, this story of Buddha is very much grounded and it feels

real and relatable. This book tells a story of a young man confronted by doubts and demon and his journey and struggle to achieve that ultimate freedom.

There are so many version of Buddha's path to enlightenment. I’ve read few of them. This is very much relevant and relatable to this generation because we are blind to miracle and we scoff at fairy tales. Despite the different versions out there, there is no denying that the story of Buddha inspires understanding of the true nature of life and ourselves.

Philosophy of life and death - M.V. Kamath

An interesting book if you want to know in brief the general philosophy on death around the world under different cultures and religions. The author also accounts on many death experience, you may know most of these authors, actors, poet, humanist, dictators or writers. This i thought was quite interesting. Despite the many experiences shared, i felt the book was more focused more on dying and had nothing much on living. Its an interesting book but it does not contain indepth accounts of things if you are interested in details.

As Time Goes by - Ashok Sawhny

If you love poetry like i do, you will enjoy this book. I love the simplicity of Sawhny's work. The flow of his poem is like a good song, it flows up and down in a smooth rhythm. Its an easy read. Some of his poems are very humorous (like the one about modern art and Picasso). In general i though all the poems here were really good and relaxing.

Glimpse After Glimpse - Sogyal Rinpoche

These are daily insight by SR. Each entry was filled with deep and meaningful messages on life & living, dying, meditational practices, phowa and others. It also contains wisdom messages from a lot of learned masters such as Nysoel Khen Rinpochhe , Einstein and others. However, it’s a very heavy book (heavy in sense of things to absorb and practice). It only made me think, to comprehend is easy but to act on these words is very difficult.

From the murk of Sultry Abyss - B.Boyd

This is Boyd’s second book after ‘White fluffy Clouds’. This book like the prior one contains Boyd’s art work, photography, journal entries and other writings. If I write a book, I probably would want it to be something like this, a combination of photography, free verse and some random thoughts. Daniel thought I was crazy for buying this book because there wasn’t much of writing in it and it was quite expensive.

Not a book for just anybody useless you are a huge Boyd fan and you would buy anything related to the band incubus. Boyd’s art and photographs I though was quite good and you can sense his passion in it. However, i did not get much from his writing, it was bit too exegetated and self-indulgent. He uses too much metaphors and I did not understand if they were there for humor of it or plain sarcasm. Like i said, not a book for you unless you are a Boyd fan.

Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom

An inspiring book on love, compassion, happiness, openness, acceptance, inclusion, values and human relationship. There's so much to learn from this book. This i definitely recommend.

random thoughts

2010-09-09T10:43:00.006+02:00

I think in order to be a good writer you have to have a childlike fascination and awe to everything you experience, be it sitting in a cubical and feeling the ground tumble and rumble underneath your feet, watching the rain drip from the roof or blinding yourself watching at the white clouds. A week ago, I took a three day ride in a sleeper class train. Train rides in India is fascinating, it feels like you are in a house on wheel where you sleep when you want to sleep, eat when you want to eat, shit and throw all kinds of garbage on the railway tracks. I recommend travelling in the month of June and July, but not those ac ones. I could write gazillion things about that experience, about the stench in the air, the extreme heat, so on and so forth but I just can’t. Now that I think about it, I think I was dead to that experience. It has only been few days and I can’t remember much of anything. I guess that’s why if you want to write something good, you have to stay awake to the moment and feel everything move and groove around you (with some sort of creativity and naivety).

Another thing to think about; A good idea is great but if it is accompanied by good intention, it takes one a long way and along that way it changes the world. There are gazillion people who've good ideas but just because the whole intention of that idea is built on a selfish foundation, it doesn't do anyone any good.

When I really think about it, I think what ever we do in life is quite insignificant. We make such fuss about the things we do and much greater fuss when things don’t go our way, but then again, does it really matter? I mean I have this feeling that we are probably characters in a big soap opera kind of setting where a giant big eye is watching us with pop corn in his hand.

a song for you

2010-07-28T09:43:00.006+02:00

Do you see me now
A waddling fool
Swirling my arms around
This is a song for you.

Pluses running through headphone
Drowning like a drizzle
Sinking like a current
You creep in
You lulled me to dream.

Waltzing comet
As seen from outer space
Arms beneath my head
Watching a cosmic boogie
I remember & whistled
a song for you.

from my anthology collection

(something i wrote for my husband)

random thoughts and book

2010-07-20T12:08:00.003+02:00

I've noticed that as and when we talk positively (genuinely) about people, neighbors, events, whether, work, bosses or any other things, we tend to automatically feel good about these things, even if the situation is otherwise. It’s a healthy exercise you ought to try. Some may call it being totally oblivious to reality, but I think it’s no point focusing on the murky aspect of life, unless you can do something about it. The fact that night turns to day, and shadow turns to night is the best consolation that’s there.

I've started reading SR's "glimpse after glimpse'. I have had this book for years but never really thought about reading it. I think its hard reading books on religion because you just can't read them like any other books. Every line, every sentence is packed with meaning and sometimes it hard to understand or comprehend them. I've started reading GAG few days ago and I am in awe. Unlike other books, this is SR's daily reflection and thoughts.

don't stop believing

2010-07-12T09:59:00.005+02:00

A great song to start the day/week... nothing beats music/bands from the 1980s

random thoughts

2010-07-08T11:55:00.001+02:00

I think the most simple questions in life are the most difficult to answer. Like, what do you like, what do you dislike... Is it because we’re so much focused on what is going on outside ourselves that we don’t find time to travel inside our head? But then again, the answers to these questions depend on a daily basis. I like to think that everyday I wake up, I’m someone new. You’re never the same person you were yesterday though you have these layers of memories.

‘Memories’, I wonder if that’s all our life is? For now I am in this time and space and it seems like nothing I’ve done or will happen, matters. I wonder if what’s going on inside our head is the so called ‘mind’ or ‘soul’. I do believe in fact that the mind will live on, with or without the physical residue. But its fascination how this body, in a way enable us to do so many things beyond ourselves, but most of the time we don’t and we won’t.

mondays & fridays

2010-06-15T08:22:00.009+02:00

Mondays, trying to get so many things done that I’m starting to lose track of what i am doing in the first place. Boy! We run too much that we forget what we are chasing in the first place.
Fridays, trying to rap things up for the week but to think about it, i wonder if there is an end to anything. I think we are like guinea pig running in a wheel set in motion. There's no stopping or putting an end to anything.

picture: flower from mom's garden

murdering smog

2010-06-14T12:37:00.004+02:00

I am under constant smog these days. No one seems to talk anything good about the management and any other thing in general around here. I think things are not that bad but with the constant negativity you’re under, you tend to think otherwise. Maybe I am naive and unwittingly optimistic about things with bit too much of an oomph than necessarily required. This ‘optimism’, I’ve started to notice (just some days ago) is starting to fade. I think it has got to do with all the things that are being buzzed here and there. It started on Thursday, 10th June 2010 when I unnecessarily said something unnecessary to someone towards the end of the day. It wasn’t much of anything, but it didn’t feel good. And I am beginning to notice, my ears are starting to work less in process of getting all my creative ideas killed. The only way forward is to listen to what these people are talking around here and nod your head, whether you agree or disagree. One thing I’ve notice about humanity is that no one says anything good behind a person’s back. Its quite pathetic and sad but its true, I don’t know, maybe its some sort of bizarre issue we human have or maybe it’s the only case here. I do sound unnecessarily handicap when I say all these things but sometimes it’s better not to say anything, especially when you’re pouring water in a filled glass. Plus no one listen these day, everyone just wants to talk and ignorantly think that the things coming out of their mouth will save the world (seriously!). I do feel like shaking a body or two and saying, ‘come on, wake up!’ but sometimes I don’t really care much.

For now, I hope that my ego never blinds me and nothing makes me lose my calm and sanity.

random thoughts

2010-06-09T10:37:00.002+02:00

Bit annoyed at the moment though I am acting calm and all that which I tend to do a lot, I mean acting otherwise. Maybe I’m just another quack or my face is not as transparent as it ought to be. But then again, these futile things like this and that, it really doesn’t matter (if you think and think about it). I guess sometimes you learn more and become more of what you are with the huddles you face. If everything had gone according to plan, it would have been just another day but since it has not, I have thing or two to learn about myself, basically how I deal with situations like these. For now I know that things like these won’t shake or break me. I did complain a bit here and there but in less that an hour, I was fine about it. After all there are bigger problems that people face on a day to day basis and seriously it doesn’t make any sense to make a big deal out of things that are insignificant as these. This reminds me, maybe we are the Whos living on a tiny speck.

I’m raving again.

I was just reading an article on HHSR. I was quite surprised to come across those scandals and allegation he faced in the early 1990s. It made me think, that there are things that are misunderstood, like the humanness of supposedly enlightened masters. I have this picture or rather image of them and see them as an embodiment of universal love with nonhuman (almost alien) characteristics, simply put, without desire, greed, anger, begot, judgment and all those negative aspect of being a human. I also think that they probably walk with this glow of aura (or halo) we don’t see. I guess to a normal person (like me), it’s quite disappointing and total breach of trust when succumb with the fact otherwise. I guess these spiritual masters have an image to live upto, not that it matters to them (being enlightened) but it does to the common folks. But sometimes I think I’ll have to be reminded (once again) that it’s the teaching that matters and not the teacher.

to take the wheel

2010-06-07T09:16:00.003+02:00

The number of vehicle in this town that I live in is increasing day by day. So far I always brag that ours is the only capital that does not have the street signs (it’s weird but quite unnecessary thus far) but I think at this rate we will need those very soon. People don’t even follow the one-way traffic rules. Sometimes it feels like if you can drive in this crazy town, you could drive anywhere.

I don’t drive. I think that’s probably my biggest handicap. Seriously I feel like one of my arms is broken or missing, not knowing how to drive, swim or bike. I’ll probably drown or be run over. I think it’s probably out of laziness, lack of time, circumstances or something imbedded deep in my sub-conscious cranium. I did have few lessons from here and there but it never amounted to anything. This year I’ve told myself that, I bloody WILL take the wheel. Between my job and my family, it’s very hard to find time to do anything else. I wonder how this ever happened. My mind is too much focused on the external things that are happening around me, it’s dragging me here and there that I often forget myself. HHSR, in one of his teaching mentions that in process of 'being selfish' that is not forgetting oneself, one often benefits the society as a whole. A.S, an economist couldn't agree more with HHSR's point of view.

For now I’m in process of reading this book called ‘Philosophy of life and death’ by M.V. Kamath. It’s a fascinating book. It accounts for different but similar viewpoint or prospective on ‘after death journey’ as one might want to call it. Was lucky to stumble upon this book. Next on my list of books to read is ‘A brief history in time’ by Stephen Hawking.

mom's garden

2010-05-31T06:10:00.006+02:00

pictures taken yesterday

physic - truly fascinating

2010-05-25T12:16:00.006+02:00

I am starting to wish that i paid more attention to Physic when i was in high school. Quantum Theory, cosmology, black holes, theory of relativity are fascinating though my knowledge on these topics are fussy and so tiny almost at sub-atomic level (making the physic joke). I'm in process of reading this book called 'Stephen Hawking quest for theory of everything' by Kitty Ferguson. The author rightly puts that the book is 'full of paradoxes. In science and with people, things are often not what they seem, and pieces that ought to fit together refuse to do so. You'll learn that beginning may be endings; cruel circumstances can lead to happiness, although fame and success may not .... anywhere we look in our universe, we find that reality is amazingly complex and elusive, sometimes alien, not always easy to take, impossible to predict.'

I think if i had paid more attention to the subject, i would have been able to understand the jelly fishes floating in the air, mechanism of live and death, the beginning of beginning and whole other set of things. For now these are questions in my head. But then again, things on boarder scale apply to things on smaller scale and to understand the macro prospective, its simpler when you understand the micro aspect of it. Thus at some weird point there is similarity as to why countries, neighbors and families don't get along and how our body is this vast universe of flying orbs. I guess in some sense we are this moving ball of energy? I wonder if the things we do under the circumstances we are in is out of free will or something more.

deviant art

2010-05-21T10:11:00.004+02:00

some pictures i took months ago.

cosmology

2010-05-19T13:57:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I was telling someone that I do not have this thing about missing home, parents, husband, child, friends, places and anything that people usually and normally miss. Well even as I said those words, it did not sound right. She must have thought I’m this heap of ice without any feeling. I think i was lying when i said those things. However, I do think ideally it would be ideal to not have that sense of attachment to people, places, work, feeling, etc and just live in the moment moving on.

Interconnectivity is the word that i remember from this teaching i attended on Saturday. All lives and things are interconnected, interdependent and interlinked and it’s amazing when you sit back, contemplate and think about these things (starting from a tiny speck to the mighty universe). That’s why our personal problems; be it death, dispute, deadlines, disease or distress is really insignificant and not worth worrying about if you see the bigger panorama.

I was reading some stuff on cosmology, the following lines is something to think about.

"It should be apparent that this incredible process contains within it a distressing paradox: As the world system follows a path to greater material progress, each upward step on the material plane is accompanied by a corresponding downward movement of psychic or spiritual degeneration"

extraction

2010-05-14T13:05:00.009+02:00

some extraction from this supposedly plot-less unpublished book titled 'a life less lived' i wrote ages ago.

on life

I’m too human to be the kind of person that I want to be. If you ask me what I want to be, I’ll probably say I want to be those jelly-fishes floating in the air on sunny days, provided there’s a mighty wind that’ll take me as far as the white fluffy clouds

If life is nothing but a memory, I have only memorized the mistakes I’ve made. So I start to think that with each layer of live lived, I've a new layer of regret to carry forward. I think I’m losing my sense of wonder and innocence with every new layer of year added on me like its necessary. Even if I deny I won’t be the child I was. I could act like one but it’ll only make me look insane.

I feel like I was just born on this very day. The past of my being has been transmitted into layers of recollection in my head. But with the kind of forgetful head that I have, I guess I can very well say that I got no past to define me. So I guess I’m not lying when I say I was born now, at this very moment. And this moment keeps on moving forward with every tick tock. With every second on the clock, my skin withers away, it becomes the un-become and I grow closure to the ultimatum. If I ever knew my time would come, I’ll happily go to this desolated beach that I’ve locked in my head. I’ll go there and look into the ocean. There’s so much freedom in the vastness of an ocean or the cosmic Jacuzzi or the space blanket that I’m sheltered in. But I would feel the chain that ties me up to the world I belong.

Nowadays I complain a lot about the weather. Sometimes its either too hot or its too cold.

Funny how you just forget all those hours of anticipation and wait when the hour actually comes

on menstrual cramp

It still feels like I had a bullet ran into my stomach. I crunch my abdomen hoping for quick relief. But it’s in nature to feel this pain with every drip of fluid flowing out of me. The periodic pain started when I turned twelve. The first time it happened I really didn’t know what was happening with me. My mom never told me that a thing like that happens with our kind of species. I didn’t even realize what was happening to me then. So there I was thinking I was dying but I didn’t. I told no one out of embarrassment, not even my mother. She probably knew it anyway. So here I am clutching my abdomen like I was hit very hard. I was pretending to be one of those tragic characters in the giant black screen. I can be quite mad sometimes.

anthology

2010-05-13T14:03:00.001+02:00

started a new blog.

link here

snap

2010-05-07T10:29:00.002+02:00

I think I’ll snap and do something totally wicked just because there is this credence pushing me down. Well I am metaphorically speaking but that’s the situation I am in right now, at this very moment. Well if you must know, I work with this crazy ssa (bs) who breaths down my neck. He is an embodiment of prejudices, corruption, pride, anger and all that sortta thing. I’ve skillfully avoided seeing his ugly face for sometime but despite that it’s no good. Well I’m not here to talk anything bad about him, its not worth it but I think at any given point of time coercion, seduction, manipulation, oppression or anything such as that should not force, induce or provoke you to do something immoral or unethical. ‘See the bigger picture’ and the light at the end of the tunnel. One good thing about anything is that it doesn’t last. The concept of ‘impermanence’ is truly comforting and consoling. Therefore be it anger, agitation, sadness, heart-break or pain, it will fad away into compassion, freedom, happiness, love and joy. Basically what I’m trying to say is that it’s not worth doing something wrong just because situation compels you to. It’s always better to do things right. At the end of the day, you answer only to yourself.

I’ve stopped thinking that I work for people or institution. I think at the end of the day if with what you do, you have ultimately helped or benefited someone other than yourself, that’s the thing thats worthwhile. I think its all with the intention of a greater good. After all I am a ‘public’ servant.

random thoughts

2010-05-06T12:24:00.003+02:00

Women are mad creatures. I am one and sometimes (most of the time I should say) I seriously do not understand the things I do, forget women in general. The thing with us is that we tend to read in between the lines (a lot). Like for instance, you may say one thing but we have this tendency of figuring our one and million things out of that the one thing you say. Crazy! But it’s true.

I guess maybe it’s the fact that I understand my own species better, I unintentionally keep my distance from them. I fear them, especially their raw emotion. I don’t know what to do when they get touchy and close. I feel uneasy in situation like that. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe its not. For my behaving like one, I’ve been putting the blame on the hormones.

Another thing I just realized is that I have hardly talked to the person on the other side of my cell, forget my neighbors. Is it work? Is it family? Is it time? I wonder if it’s a good thing not to have those humanly interaction. Men supposedly are ‘social creature’. Sometimes it’s good to get away from all that sortta thing but something nothing or too less of a something makes you question some things inside your cranium, ‘Is it normal?’ but what is ‘normal’ anyways.

People are fascinating, well some of them, not all. Met one earlier today. At some point we were basically talking about deities (out of all things to talk about). I was wondering if such a thing exists in any random places. Apparently they supposedly are. He was also talking about this yogi that lived 3400 years, if such a thing is possible. Apparently he travelled all around the globe under different alias doing wonders, magic and living life. His body was a ray of light, transcendent and magnificent. These are tales told today, some of which are now a myth. But I guess your mind has to be an open book to sink into unusual things as these. Just because you don’t see, can’t touch, smell or hear does not mean its not there. We have this perception and belief that what we see, hear, touch and feel is the truth. Maybe we’re not looking hard enough, maybe we don’t listen or maybe we don’t concentrate hard enough to feel things around us. The possibility of life beyond ours and the possibilities of things beyond what we see, hear and feel is simply facilitating and romantic (in some sense).

For now I’m little less here and little more there

two new habits for keeps

2009-11-25T04:04:00.005+01:00

I had my very first meditation class yesterday (certainly not the last). Thanks to one of my colleagues.

Well 6 minutes a day it is.

And I am back to being a vegetarian (after 2 months of being haywire). This time it’s a conscious decision.

note on 1st Dec - this will take time to sink in...
note on 26th April - ....NOT (making the borat joke)

random thoughts

2009-11-24T09:47:00.006+01:00

These days, my dad has been telling me time and again that he doesn’t see me say my prayers. Frankly I’ve not prayed for quite some times. I’ve noticed that every time I say my prayer (in routine), my mind is drifting somewhere else. I’m day dreaming, not focusing on the payer. It is better when I say them unconsciously without routine. I do not deeply understand the meaning of ‘Om Ah Hung Benza Guru Pema Siddhi Hung’. What does it mean besides its literal translation? I cannot understand how saying it regularly hundred times a day (without any understanding or concentration) will help me be a better person? Now I am thinking saying these prayer lines is more about showing appreciating to Guru Padma Sambawa for the many miraculous things he did for the benefit of all sentient beings. And this is true for every extraordinarily people living amongst us, who change our lives. It also holds true for events, circumstances and any sort of inspirations that change us and gets us thinking.

My understanding of Buddhism is evolving day by day. Being a kid, it’s all about doing what my parents did as a Buddhist. But now I think Buddhism is more of a path than a religion. It’s a practical way of not just living but living it right. I think Buddhism is more about being good and doing good.

Switching to something else, what is fascinating about human being is that somewhere deep inside, we can somehow segregate what’s good and what’s bad. We really can, either consciously or sub-consciously. If we follow this conscious/sub-conscious mind, we would do a great deal of good to ourselves and the people around us.

I think the concept of ‘being aware’ is just fascinating. I remember while being in Maastricht, my house owner (this old woman in her late 60s), she was really careful while using the any sort of detergent. Her thinking was that it is difficult to treat/purify water with high content of detergent. I think that simple act of being aware of the consequence helped the environment a great deal of pollution. If we become aware of what ever we do everyday, even with a single act of getting receipt from the ATM, we would do so much good to ourselves and everything/everyone around us.

Also I have been thinking about halo around the heads of many god/goddess portrayed in many paintings. This so called 'halo' is depicted by everyone everywhere around the globe is in all sorts of paintings (of extraordinary beings). I think these halos are more of an individual aura. I think when you at that state of awareness (and you do things according to that), the aura that’s invisible becomes like a light/spark or a glow (practically i've seen that sort of glow around extraordinary people i've met), that it can be seen by others.

Well that’s just my many naive thoughts for the day. I hope the sprit of all things good grows (or come alive) inside everyone.

ps: i've over listened to Empire of the Sun

list of six (portal to my world)

2009-11-12T10:00:00.007+01:00

six songs in my head
The Verve - love is noise
Crash Test Dummies - mmm mmm mmm mmm
Pearl Jam - the fixer
Robbert Pattinson - broken
empire of the sun - standing on the shore
mgmt - electric feel

six books i've read recently
Micheal Scott - The Alchemyst
Micheal Scott - The Magician
Micheal Scott - The Sorceress
J.K Rowling - the tales of beedle the bard
jamyang khyentse - what makes you not a buddhist
Lobsang P. Lhalungpa - the life of milarepa

six movies i've seen
Penelope
charade
two for the road
east of eden
the cake eaters
rebel without a cause

six things i'm looking forward to
18th December
new moon
The Necromancer
2010
spring
driving (for real)

travelling back and forth

2009-11-09T15:00:00.009+01:00

Where i live, it is not possible to get to a place without bumping into someone you somehow/sortta know. That’s why, what i like most about traveling outside is that sense of freedom. There is this feeling of not having to say hi or hello to anyone. You can walk miles and miles unnotice. I think sometime that sense of invisibility is freeing.
I was studying outside for almost a year. My school was almost 20 minutes walk from where i lived. Every morning i had my earphone plugged inside my ear and with the 'song of the day' i would walk to my school. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was that carefree atmosphere but whenever i walked to my school, i felt that overwhelming sense of happiness inside my chest, maybe it was that feeling of being in the present (not lingering in the past nor contemplating the future maybes), maybe it was some sortta love, love for everything and anything, i just felt free and happy.

Switching to another topic, what i remember mostly about my childhood is that feeling of not having to please anyone. Even then i think i didn't care much about the things going around, none of it made much sense to me. Maybe deep inside i wanted to fit in but i never showed it. I think i had one of those unique childhoods, that's why i can't remember much of it. I think life for me started when I got a job. But even then, i do remember being the happiest just to watch the rain fall down from the roof, it feels like you're soaring high into the sky. I remembering watching the sun all day long, just to see if it would blind me like my mother said. I remembering being awkward, not sure of what the future held for me. I think i was undecided even then and not really sure of what to do with my life. Now that I’ve made so many choices and i stand where i stand, i don't know if these are the things i really wanted. I tell myself, of course i am happy and things turned out fine, but i do wonder otherwise. What if i really knew, even back then, what to do, what i wanted and to make my own choices. That I’ll never know.

random thoughts

2009-10-26T08:18:00.003+01:00

I’ve over-listened to some band and some songs… I just can’t listen to them anymore (at least for now). I don’t even have the time or patience to see one movie through. I think it’s such a waste of time.

I feel more empathy towards my big boss, he just can’t help being what/who he is. As long as I do what I do and do it great, I don’t think I need to feel intimidation and hesitation from anyone. For now he’s my teacher (of some sort). I’m going to learn tolerance from him.

I don’t think I’ll complain about anything anymore. After all everything we do, we always end up making a bigger trying to solve a mess. Life itself is a messy business. I’ll mind my own business and do what’s right, I hope the other does the same.

It’s not only the end objective of what you do, but how you get it done. I hope what I do will be of some worth/benefit to people who are involved. Despite the interference and interjection, I’ll get it done, for I am not working for an entity or a person but more for myself and what I believe in.

In ten years, I definitely got to think about doing something else (writing a book, opening up an animation studio or a pasta restaurant, photography or anything besides this), a change, a risk. I hope I get sick of playing it safe.

These are strange thoughts popping in my head (for now).

the tale of an old man

2009-10-23T10:28:00.004+02:00

Everywhere he went, he was known for his warmth, kindness and naive optimism. Nothing bought him down for his was always positive and happy about everything and anything around him. He was well learned in his youth and prime.

At some point of his life, he fell in love and thus he married and settled in a small village. In this village, together with his wife, he raised 8 strong children with all his love and devotion. He provided for them even after each of them got settled, found a job/career, and had their wife/husband, home, car and children. He never let them feel deprived even when he didn’t have enough. These children never knew poverty because of their father’s hard work. He was happy and aspired each of his kids to do way beyond well, good or fine. Such was this old man’s wish when he saw his children face while they were growing up.

As he grew old, one by one, each of his children leaves the village. Some gets married and others find a job. But this didn’t matter because he had his wife, a life partner to live and share his life with. By then they’d seen so much together, they’d been through their highs and lows and they love each other extremely. However, one day faith decides to take her as well. This mother of 8 dies unnoticed. While she lived, she had raised both her kids as well as their kids. Such was her faith. She was there when her children and grandchildren came to this world but now she’s gone, none of them knows. She struggles but there’s no one to hear her voice or see her faint.

Despite the loss, this father of 8 moves on. His granddaughter comes to his rescue and she decides to stay with her grandfather. The old man still has his expectation. So one fine day, the elder son decides to bring his father to the capital. So this old man comes to the town to live with his children. He thinks ‘my kids will finally take care of me’. He lives some few days with his elder son. One day, one of the grandchildren from his elder son tells him ‘grandpa, now you are in the town, you should stay clean and dress up like a town person’. Such was the embarrassment of his grandchildren who’ve not even turn ten.

The old man is soon left to the care of the elder daughter, then the youngest and so on. He moves up and down, settling nowhere in particular. However, the old man decides to say with his favorite son, the second eldest son. This son’s wife however scheme to chase off this old man. So one day she accuses him of a crime unthinkable. The old man cries, his heart broken beyond repair. His son is in the next room while this happens. He doesn’t say anything to make the old man feel better, except ‘I have my own family to think of’. The old man leaves in the middle of the night. Such was this old man’s pain.

Now, he’s back in his village, shamed and heart-broken. His granddaughter tends to him but there’s no healing to a wound that’s cut deep without sores. Despite everything, he has not stopped expecting that his children will one day take care of him. His voice shakes and he breaks down into constant tear when he talks on the phone with his grandson. Such is this old man’s faith. His children feel no shame or remorse for what they’ve done to their father. Ignorantly they think they are right. Everyday, they smile and look at their children’s face hoping the old man’s hope and wishing the old man’s wish when he loved and raised them.

Enlightened Vagabond: An Autobiographical Sketch

2009-10-23T04:40:00.005+02:00

By Nyoshul Khenpo Rinpoche
Translated and edited by Surya Das

This is not a namthar (spiritual biography) at all; it's just a series of mishaps.
I was born in eastern Tibet in 1932. My father was a roaming bandit, a highwayman. He beat, robbed, and even killed people. I didn't really know my father, because he abandoned his family when I was very young. This father was like the kind of people you see in a cowboy movie, outlaws riding on horses; he habitually lived in the wilderness of Kham in eastern Tibet.

In my immediate family there were three boys and seven girls. Two of the brothers were very strong and rough, like their father; he strongly favored those two tough boys. I was the third boy, and a bit of a wimp. So my father put me down, often saying that I was like a girl, of no use at all. My father taught his children to fight, but the daughters and I didn't like to fight very much so our father ignored us.

My mother was a very gentle and loving soul, a very Dharmic (religious) person with a lot of patience and forbearance. She had sincere aspirations to practice the Dharma, but she had so many children and so much to cope with at home. Therefore, she harbored great aspirations that I would fulfill those aspirations in the Dharma, since I took after her in being gentle and loving. My mother contented herself with the simple rewards of morality and devoting herself to her family.

My paternal grandmother, the highwayman's mother, was also pious. She was an occasional disciple of the great Dzogchen master Nyoshul Lungtok Tenpai Nyima, who was Patrul Rinpoche's heart-disciple. Well-versed in Dharma and practice, she wasn't very learned but she had practiced and received teaching and had understood them, thus transforming her nature. She prayed constantly that her wayward highwayman son would reform and change his ways.

When I was a baby, this grandmother and my mother would chant again and again over my cradle: "We take refuge in the Buddha, we take refuge in the Dharma, we take refuge in the Sangha." Also, they used to pray and talk to each other about the teachings and pray to Nyoshul Lungtok Tenpai Nyima, wherever he was -- they didn't even know where he was -- fervently expressing their heartfelt wish that he would come to teach and bless them. They reminded each other what a great master he was. That was the first time that I heard this sacred name, Nyoshul Lungtok.

When I was older, my grandmother explained to me that Nyoshul Lungtok was her revered root lama, and that he had given her renewed life. Although she wasn't learned in scriptures, she was experienced in Dzogchen and also practiced the Bodhicitta teachings. She chanted the mantra Om mani padme hung three hundred million times in her life. If one does one hundred million recitations of a mantra, counting each mantra with a rosary, it's called a toong-jor. She had done that three times in her life-three hundred million recitations of the mantra of Great Compassion, Chenrezig -- Om mani padme hung.

My grandmother advised me that since I was of a gentle nature it would be very appropriate for me to follow my mother's ways, rather than emulating my father. She further exhorted me to find a qualified Bodhisattva-lama to teach, instruct, and train me, andto strive to become like that lama himself-for that is what the Buddha taught.

For three years I tended the family's animals and performed other similar chores. I didn't study anything, but I kept thinking about this lama whose name I had heard. When I was five my mother and grandmother took me to the nearby Sakyapa monastery, where they cut my hair and gave me a refuge name. When I was eight, I was offered to (enrolled in) the monastery. There were about one hundred monks, practitioners, and lamas in that monastery in Kham. The head lama's name was Jamyang Khenpa Tapkye; he was my distant uncle.

EARLY YEARS AT THE MONASTERY
As my relative, Jamyang Khenpa Tapkye took an interest in me. I was immediately taught to read and write, which came easily to me. Not every boy had such an opportunity. To stay at that monastery, the young novices had to beg for their food on a daily alms round in the local villages. I still have scars on my legs from the huge Tibetan mastiffs, fierce guard dogs, that bit me when I went from door to door begging for tsampa (dried barley flour), Tibet's staple food. When the young novices were naughty, they would be beaten and forced to sit outside all night without protection from the cold. It was a harsh life.

At the age of about ten my job was to take care of the sheep that belonged to the monastery estate, sometimes staying in the monastery and sometimes shepherding the animals out in the wilds. When it was sunny I would stay outside, very relaxed, feeling very happy, just watching the sheep munching the grass. But sometimes it was raining and freezing cold, with hail and wind, and I was without shelter; moreover, I couldn't see the sheep who were lost in the mist and ravines. I had to chase them everywhere in order to collect them and bring them back at night. I knew exactly how many there were. I recognized each of their faces and called them each by name.

In the spring and brief summer there was a profusion of bright wildflowers and all kinds of birds singing; Kham was very beautiful at that time of year. The rest of the time the weather was much colder and severe. I well remember those idyllic summer days of my childhood when the weather was lovely and I was totally delighted, sitting outside in the sun, completely at ease and relaxed, while the sheep munched grass and I gazed up at the intense turquoise blue sky and simply let my mind be. That was the natural, unfabricated beginning of my meditational development.

Sometimes the birds would be chattering, and some thoughts began coming to mind, like: What am I doing here, listening to the birds? Why am I here? Grandmother told me that the only worthwhile thing is to practice and realize the holy Dharma, yet although I have joined the monastery it seems that now I am just being a shepherd. How can I follow the teachings and meet an authentic lama, rather than just be a shepherd in ragged hand-me-down robes, whiling away his time in the pastures?
Mustering my courage, I told my mother that I wanted to learn from a real lama, get genuine spiritual teachings, and find out what the holy Dharma was really all about. Then I left the monastery and went to another valley, where lived a very great high lama named Lama Rigdzin Jampel Dorje. This lama was a truly enlightened master, a mahasiddha (exalted adept) who had realized the unity of the lineage teachings of Mahamudra and Dzogpa Chenpo.

When I was about twelve, I began and completed the five hundred preliminary practices (the ngondro) under the personal guidance of this great lama. Then I requested and received from Jampel Dorje detailed teachings on the inseparability of shamatha meditation and vipassana meditation practice. I applied these Vajrayana meditation instructions in the Mahamudra style, according to the Practice Lineage. This practice included the renowned four yogas of Mahamudra-one-pointedness, simplicity, one taste, and beyond-meditation-which are further elucidated in the triple-fold formula of nonmeditation, nonartifice (beyond action and inaction), and nondistraction.

I slowly began noticing that it seemed to be very difficult to really progress in spiritual practice without a firm basis of understanding in the general teachings of sutra and tantra, and particularly the precious Bodhicitta. It is said, "To meditate without learning is like trying to climb a mountain without eyes; to have learning without meditation is like trying to climb a mountain without hands and feet." Rigdzin Jampel Dorje agreed. So I began to study with an important khenpo at the monastery, an erudite and spiritually accomplished abbot-professor. I had to learn and recite from memory before the monastic assembly countless prayers, sadhanas (tantric rites and practices), scriptures, and commentaries-a huge undertaking.
I studied the Dom Sum (Three Vows) of the three vehicles, including the Pratimoksha (personal liberation Vinaya) vows, the Bodhisattva commitments, and tantric samayas. I studied the Bodhicaryavatara of the Indian Mahayana master Shantideva, the bodhicitta teachings on Mind-Training attitudinal transformation (Lobjong) of Atisha, and countless other relative and general teachings of the Buddhadharma, according to the sutras and commentarial literature comprising the scriptures of the Buddhist sciences. I memorized The Thirteen Great (Tibetan) Texts. Later I studied in depth the Middle Way philosophy of Nagarjuna, Madhyamika dialectics, epistemology, logic, the Prajna Paramita literature, the Five Ornaments of Asanga, Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha, and so on. Eventually I studied the entire Tripitaka, encompassed in the Tibetan canonical collection called the Kangyur in one hundred and eight large volumes, and also the detailed commentaries by the Indian and Tibetan panditas in the even larger collection known as the Tangyur. In this way, combined with actual practice, I mastered the three yanas, including both sutras and tantras.

Being intensely motivated, I assiduously pursued that scholarly training. Under the great master Rigdzin Jampel Dorje and my khenpo I undertook the traditional twelve-year acharya (khenpo) training combined with the meditation and yogic training of the nonsectarian (Rimé) Practice Lineage, until I was twenty four. I studied all the teachings needed to become a khenpo, an abbot, and professor, as well as undertook all the Mahayana and Vajrayana practices and solitary retreats that went along with them. I still remember what a small and lonely boy I was then, in a region where I didn't know anyone, and how various people used to make fun of me. I also gratefully remember my selfless teacher's incredible kindness and unstinting generosity while I pursued all those studies and practices for over a dozen years.

RECEIVING THE PITH-INSTRUCTIONS
When I was eighteen, I received the profound and extraordinary teachings on the essential nature of mind, the pith-instructions of Longchen Nyingthig, the very heart essence of the Dzogchen teachings. I received these precious esoteric teachings on the View, Meditation, and Action of Dzogpa Chenpo from the tulku (reincarnation) of my grandmother's guru-teachings that elucidate the ultimate meaning of Buddhadharma (and Rigpa, innate Buddha-mind) according to the classification of Ground, Path, and Fruition, a triad considered ultimately one and inseparable. I soon attained unshakable inner conviction and certainty regarding this natural Great Perfection, the nondual Dzogchen teachings of primordial purity and spontaneous presence embodied in the practices of Trekchod (Cutting Through) and Togal (Transcendence).

Nyoshul Lungtok Tenpai Nyima, Patrul Rinpoche's successor, had died years before; his tulku had been reborn, enthroned, and educated by the disciples of his exalted predecessor, including the peerless Khenpo Ngakga. It was this tulku, named Nyoshul Lungtok Shedrup Tenpai Nyima, who introduced me to the nature of mind while transmitting these teachings. He became my root guru (principlemaster). I got my name from him and from the Nyoshul Monastery where we lived together, in the outlying districts around the region of the great Nyingma monastery of Kathok. From these lamas I inherited all the teachings of Longchenpa and Jigme Lingpa. I memorized the entire Seven Treasures of Longchenpa, as well as both of Longchenpa's renowned trilogies (The Trilogy of Natural Ease and The Trilogy of the Inherent Freedom of Mind) and Jigme Lingpa's revered Yonten Dzod (Treasury of Enlightened Qualities), which explains all the nine yanas according to the Nyingma tradition of Buddhadharma.

Tulku Shedrup Tenpai Nyima (Nyoshul Lungtok Tulku) transmitted the Mengak Nyengyud Chenmo (whispered oral pith-instructions of Dzogpa Chenpo) to me. Tulku Shedrup Tenpai Nyima was the principal disciple of the great Khenpo Ngakga (Ngakgi Wangpo, a crazy-wise Dzogchen master still renowned today-a visionary Togal master and an incarnation of the Indian Dzogchen patriarch Vimalamitra). When I was very young, I met Khenpo Ngakga and received certain transmissions from him. I was too young to really study in depth under Khenpo Ngakga, so I gradually received Khenpo Ngakga's teachings personally from Nyoshul Lungtok Shedrup Tenpai Nyima.

Khenpo Ngakga had extraordinary dignity and charisma and was an incredible presence. Simply to enter his room overawed one's self-centered thoughts and concepts and effortlessly opened up the selfless, spacious expanse of Rigpa. Even though I was but a youth, I still remember thinking gratefully at the time, "So this is what the authentic presence of a true Buddhist master is actually like. Anyone would be totally amazed and inspired by such natural splendor and spiritual prowess. How fortunate to meet a living Buddha in this very world!"

This greatly renowned Khenpo Ngakga was famous for many reasons. He once sat for three years on one meditation seat, without going anywhere. And when this grand lama did a three-year meditation retreat he was in a translucent (transrealescent) state of Rigpa called zangtal throughout the entire period; nobody could see a shadow fall from his body for three years. This is absolutely true.

While Khenpo Ngakga was in this meditation, on auspicious days like the tenth of every month (Guru Rinpoche's lunar holiday) and the fifteenth (the day of the full moon), the eight auspicious signs (the dharma wheel, the eternal knot, and vajras, and so on) would appear on Ngakga's body because his body was the actual nirmanakaya (tulku), the rupakaya (form body), the manifestation on earth of the Buddha. Khenpo Ngakga had such inconceivable qualities that any of them sounds hard to believe; but so many of the lamas who were his students achieved enlightenment that everybody extols Khenpo Ngakga to the skies. Jatral Rinpoche and Bairo Tulku Rinpoche in Nepal are Khenpo Ngakga's last great living, personal disciples.

The Dzogchen tradition states that every one hundred years an enlightened Dzogchen master is emanated from the heart of Vimalamitra to fulfill the Buddha's intent in this world. In the nineteenth century it was Jamyang Khyentse Wangpo, and in the last generation it was Khenpo Ngakga. Khenpo Ngakga had thousands of realized disciples, but Nyoshul Lungtok Shedrup Tenpai Nyima (my root guru) was his Dharma heir, the lineage holder of the special Dzogchen pith-instructions called Nyengyud Mengak Chenmo, The Aural Lineage Pith-Instructions of the Heart Essence. This is my special lineage and teaching, the experiential teaching (nyongtri) based on these oral pith-instructions of Nyingthig, the heart essence of omniscient Longchenpa and Jigme Lingpa, the quintessence of the innate Great Perfection, Dzogpa Chenpo. This is a lineage transmission only whispered to one disciple at a time, never to a group. It is considered extremely rare and precious.

The lineage holders and masters of this particular teaching were all enlightened, totally realized siddhas (adepts) with incredible spiritual qualities, but these days lamas like me are a mere shadow of such spiritual luminaries. Those masters of the Rainbow Light Body didn't even cast shadows; now people with infirmities like Nyoshul Khenpo pretend to transmit such transcendent teaching-how absurd! The elixir of liberating pith-instructions in this unique lineage is like the fresh breath of the wisdom dakinis. The lion's roar of the Dharma has been proclaimed by great snow lion-like yogis in the land of Tibet for thousands of years, but these days there are just a few dogs like Nyoshul Khenpo barking. And not only that, but they shamelessly go here and there to every country in the world, barking, eating others' food, and kicking up a ruckus-how utterly laughable!

I spent several years at Kathok Monastery, one of the six main Nyingmapa monasteries. Kathok was called in Tibetan Kathok Dorje Den, meaning Kathok Bodh Gaya or Kathok the Vajra-seat of Enlightenment. This seven hundred year old gompa in Kham is renowned as the second Bodh Gaya. It is reported that one hundred thousand yogis attained the Rainbow Light Body there. Another tale recalls the fabled yellow sky of Kathok, where so many fully ordained bhikkus lived that the golden sky continuously reflected the bright yellow hue of their formal monastic robes.

At Kathok Gompa, my own lamas were twelve great tulkus (incarnate bodhisattvas); eight spiritually accomplished, learned khenpos, the kind of khenpos (unlike many today) who knew everything and had memorized the entire Kangyur and many of the commentaries too; and five ordinary enlightened lamas who were neither tulkus nor khenpos but had achieved great attainments through their own spiritual efforts while remaining humble practitioners and staunch pillars of the sangha.

After receiving the significant pith-instruction transmission from Shedrup Tenpai Nyima, I did a one-year solitary retreat in a cave, practicing tummo (mystic heat yoga) and concentrating on those aural pith-instruction teachings. I further pursued my studies until my mid-twenties. I practiced tummo in the snowy wilderness until the falling snow melted around me. During another period of intensive practice, I lived for a time like a wild animal in the forest, uninhibitedly practicing rushen (Dzogchen ngondro) with several other yogis under the guidance of my guru. I still remember what that was like, living freely and uninhibitedly, beyond all conceptual restraints and social conventions-just like the mahasiddhas of old!

I practiced the tantric Prajna Paramita sadhanas called chod (Cutting Ego), meditating all night in terrifying cemeteries and charnel grounds, offering my body to the hungry ghosts and karmic creditors. Other periods I spent meditating alone on windswept mountaintops and in caves consecrated by the lineage masters of old, or on pilgrimage to sacred sites and Shangri-la-like hidden valleys where the patriarchs and matriarchs of Vajrayana Buddhism had meditated, where I made offerings and supported virtuous and worthwhile spiritual activities. I completed the training in the six yogas of Naropa and Mahamudra according to the Kagyu system, as well as the Sakyapa Lamdray (Path and Fruition) and Korday Yermay (The Inseparability of Samsara and Nirvana), and the anuttara yoga tantra Kalachakra teachings. It is said that I completed all these various practices, encountered the yidam deities, and received blessings, transmissions, and empowerments directly from them, just like the root and lineage masters of the past.

Then I traveled, receiving teachings and Vajrayana transmissions from two dozen other enlightened masters, whom I consider my root lamas, from all the different traditions and lineages extant in Tibet. By that time I knew what I was after and where to find it. I practiced and accomplished these teachings, thus becoming a Rimé (trans-sectarian) master, heir to all the sacred teachings of the Eight Great Chariots of Buddhism in Tibet, which are now subsumed within the four main Tibetan sects: Nyingma, Kagyu, Sakya, and Gelug.

ESCAPE FROM TIBET
My colleagues and I had to escape from Tibet in 1959, because of the Chinese invasion. Any monks, nuns, and lamas who were caught were disrobed, imprisoned, humiliated, beaten, and tortured mercilessly. Religious practice in Tibet during the Sixties and Seventies was considered a reactionary political crime, punishable by death. I lost touch with all who remained behind, including the vestiges of my family. I would not be reunited with my surviving brothers and sisters until a visit to eastern Tibet in 1992.

In India I requested and received complete teachings and transmissions from many great Tibetan masters, including Padma Sambhava's incarnate regent, H.H. Dudjom Rinpoche; Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (Manjusri in person); and the living Buddha, H.H. the sixteenth Gyalwa Karmapa. Later these same lamas, as well as others (including Tai Situ Rinpoche, Pema Norbu Rinpoche, Sakya Trichen, and Dzogchen Rinpoche) asked me to be Khenpo (Abbot-professor) at their monasteries, in order to educate sangha members and train khenpos in dialectic colleges.

I still pray constantly to those twenty five root masters who gave me everything that I have and am. For even if one knows hundreds of thousands of excellent people-or, for that matter, hundreds of thousands of evil people-one's tsawai lama (root guru) is the most important person in one's life. Actually, what truly astounds me the most is not my teachers, but the teachings of the natural Great Perfection, Dzogchen; that is the really marvelous, magical, and most inconceivable surprise in my experience, and the thing I am most grateful for. I am inexpressibly grateful to my teachers for the teachings they gave me. I try to do all I can to repay their kindness by passing it on to others, wherever I have been over the years. For I truly believes that it is this, and this alone, that is most profoundly beneficial.
I lived in India for twenty five years by myself, without accumulating anything, just one old man alone, sometimes walking around in red Tibetan-style clothes, sometimes in old orange or yellow sadhu robes or simple wraps. Sometimes I gave Dharma talks inside monasteries. I also stayed sometimes with sadhus in Rishikesh and Haridwar, along the Ganges, in ashrams, huts, lean-tos, under trees, wherever the descent of dusk found me. So many different dream-like experiences! Sometimes I was exalted and quite comfortable, more often I was bereft and poverty-stricken. Yet the inexhaustible wealth of inner truth and peace that is the Dharma always sustained me well. Sometimes I gave empowerments to great assemblies of people, including dozens of tulkus and lamas, where they put a golden initiation vase in my hand and I placed it on the heads of thousands of monks. At other times I was utterly poverty-stricken, living hand-to-mouth on the streets in Calcutta wandering around with my hand out begging for pennies. So many unexpected ups and downs, who can describe them? Life is like that, full of unexpected twists and turns-illusory, impermanent, ungovernable, and unstable. And in the end, we all die. What a spectacle!

So many different experiences, memories, and reflections-some good and some bad-just like different kinds of dreams. One night in 1959 I was with about seventy people who were escaping together from Tibet, and a few thousand Chinese soldiers were in the surrounding mountains, searching for the fugitives in the darkness. The soldiers suddenly opened fire, and machine gun bullets and tracers flew everywhere. Of the seventy in my party, only five could be found alive the next day; I don't know what happened to the rest. Our small band of five continued on foot through the high Himalayan passes to India, following in the footsteps of the Dalai Lama, seeking refuge in Assam, Bhutan, Darjeeling, and Kalimpong-wherever food, shelter, and political asylum were to be found.

I then lived in the lowlands as a refugee for years, in exile from the Land of Snows, huddled with others in crowded refugee camps and steamy trains, collecting alms in hot and dusty Indian streets. Some years later I unexpectedly found myself riding across vast oceans in jet airplanes and coasting up and down the length of giant needle-shaped skyscrapers in boxcar-like air-conditioned elevators in the great capitals of the modern world, sleeping in both grand hotels and on the rugs and couches of modern living rooms, eating sometimes in restaurants and outdoors on sunny patios, being served like a king.

In the early Seventies, I seemed to have a stroke and almost died; some think I was poisoned in a restaurant in Kalimpong. My nervous system traumatized, I was a complete invalid for several years. Before that, I had given vast and profound teachings and cycles of empowerments to many people, including monks, lamas, tulkus, and laypersons, all over the Himalayan region. Afterwards, I could not see very well, I was lame, my hands shook, and I was expected to die. During that difficult time I was cared for in Kangyur Rinpoche's gompa in Darjeeling. Lama Sonam Tobgyal from Riwoche Gompa was my faithful attendant for six years during that period, in India and later in Europe. The grand yogi-master of Bhutan, Lopon Sonam Zangpo, suggested to me that if I would take a wife and undertake longevity practices my health would improve. (I had been a monk until this time.) The old and venerable yogi, who was the father of Trinley Norbu Rinpoche's late wife, arranged for me to marry Damcho Zangmo, who proved to be a perfectly suitable long-life consort and wife.

Some time later I was brought to Switzerland for medical treatment. I stayed a couple of years with my Tibetan followers in the large Tibetan community there, then spent seven or eight years in retirement in the Nyingma center in the Dordogne Valley in southwestern France, teaching only occasionally. For four years I lived and taught in the Chanteloube three-year retreat center there, after which-in 1984-my wife, Damcho-la, came from Bhutan to join me.

Since that time my health has improved and I have been more active, teaching all around the world, in both East and West, invited by centers of many different sects and lineages. Damcho-la and I have made two visits to Tibet: once with H.H. Khyentse Rinpoche and an entourage in 1990, and again with Penor Rinpoche in 1992, when I met my remaining family members. I am presently working to rebuild my three monasteries and construct several small new hospitals in Kham. Damcho-la and I make our home at her house in Thimpu, the capital of Bhutan, the last remaining independent Buddhist country in the Himalayas.

Isn't life like a movie or a dream, a series of dreams within a vast, dream-like mirage? How to possibly remember all the different scenes that inevitably transpired from the time that Khenpo was an illiterate little wimp in Kham until now, when he is a talkative old vagabond with white hair and wrinkles? What a surprise!-old and bent already. What a spectacle!-a dim-sighted aged Tibetan tourist peering around at foreign lands. Emaho! Marvelous! Wonderful!

How to explain the infinite vagaries of experience, except by considering it all as the workings of the ineluctable law of cause and effect, karma? And who is creating this karma, which each of us seem to experience; who except ourselves? When we recognize that we create our own karma and are therefore responsible for our own experience, both good and bad, doesn't this penetrating insight free us from resentment and frustration, instilling a sense of freedom and responsibility as well as compassion for those suffering from lack of such awareness?

Bloggers note: Me and my family had the privilege of living downstairs of Nyoshul Khenpo Rinpoche’s home in Thimphu. I’ve nothing but only wonderful memories of this living Buddha. I remember being unconditionally happy at his presence, as if everything was going to be good with my life. I guess that’s the effect of a truly enlightened being. I was really happy to have come across this autobiographical tale of rinpoche (which my brother shared with me). My dad was happy when I read the details of it. Anyone who reads this would have only inspiration to draw from it.

an extraordinary conversation

2009-07-30T12:58:00.005+02:00

This is an extraordinary conversation between two of the greatest minds. To understand the meaning of mediation, this is very useful. The conversation answers some of the basic question we have in our heads * as least with mine*

the rest is here:
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5

two new books

2009-05-26T14:53:00.003+02:00

Finally i got the two books i've been waiting for. It's basically compilation of Brandon’s artwork, photographs and journals entries. If i write a book, i'll probably do something like this.
These are some of the pages from the two books.

Zeitgest: Addendum

2009-05-05T22:42:00.007+02:00

Today i was reading Brandon's blog and found link to following documentary.
For a mind boggling experience, i recommend you to watch Zeitgeist: Addendum available at http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/
Hope you have one and half hour of your time but I promise your brain will hyperventilate at the end.

The word Zeitgest "is a German language expression literally translated: Zeit, time; Geist, spirit, meaning "the spirit of the age and its society". The word zeitgeist describes the intellectual, cultural, ethical and political climate, ambience and morals of an era (similar to the English word "mainstream") or also a trend. In German, the word has more layers of meaning than the English translation, including the fact that Zeitgeist can only be observed for past events" (taken from wikipedia).

picture taken from www.zeitgeistmovie.com

Paris je t'aime

2009-05-04T00:58:00.009+02:00

I just got back from my trip to Paris.
I must say i've never been to a city that beautiful. Every wonderful thing people say about that city is true and even more. There are so many monuments, gallaries and places to see but i had only two days, so basically I was running around with a map to see as much as i could.
One thing i've realized from my trip to Paris is how my knowledge of the city comes from movie, music, history and books. I use to think watching movies was big waste of time but it's amazing how much or little i already know of the city from the movies I’ve watched.

I've read the famous 'Da Vinci Code' and also seen the movie, so one thing on my list was to see the Louvre (AKA the grand gallery). We were given only three hours but apparently it takes at least one week to see all the amazing masterpieces inside Louvre. So with little time i had, i wanted to see the one painting that draws million or even more to this place. There was a huge line when we went to buy the tickets. When we finally got the ticket, there was another huge line to go inside the main gallery (security check). I was beginning to wonder if the line would ever end but i was just too excited and looking forward to see the paining that the line begin to move forward swiftly. While waiting in queue, I got to see the exact location of MM’s tomb (RL’s theory at the end – if you’ve read Da Vinci Code). This was another exciting moment for me.
As soon as we got inside the main gallery, my quest to see that famous painting begin. I almost felt like Mrs. Jones on a quest. I had only two hours. It was definitely an overwhelming feeling to see so many master pieces and history right before my eyes in one giant hallway. Finally after skipping thought many arts, i entered a room. There was a giant panel centered away from the middle of the room and it had only one paining hung on it, one of the many attraction of Louvre, the masterpiece of Da Vanci, the very beautiful Mona Lisa.

Another highlight of the trip was seeing the famous Notre Dame. It’s amazing how my knowledge of this place comes from a Walt Disney cartoon 'The hunchback of Notre Dame'. I have and always will be a cartoon freak. One of the fist cartoons i've seen was Bambi. I can still remember crying when Bambi's mother dies. Anyways that's beside the point. Notre Dame is considered one of the most beautiful churches in the world. I can see what they mean by that. It's truly an architectural marvel or miracle. My mind was just too amazed to even comprehend the amazing detail of each element of that church. As soon as i saw the gargoyles on the highest tip of the Notre Dame, i though of Quasimodo’s three gargoyle guardian (lol). We were lucky enough to catch the sunset hit the place. i just couldn't stop drooling like a fool when i saw this place.

And of course there is the Sacre Coeur, another beautiful architecture on the highest point of Paris, the very popular Eiffel tower, the beautiful Arc, the Opera Garnier, La Defense, Moulin Rouge, Pompidou and many others. All these places were breathtaking. For someone who loves art, what more can i say... it was purely WONDER-FUL and bit too overwhelming at times:)

PS: the weather was amazing. Blue Sky and white fluffy clouds everywhere.

music and animation

2009-04-26T14:22:00.005+02:00

Today my sister sent me an animation she made a long time ago. As always i though it was amazing. The reason why i love her artworks so much is because it’s totally different and creative. These are things she picked up on her own interest and she started it only when she was in her tenth grade. Before that she was as bad as me. Now art is something that comes to her naturally. I guess there are things you can teach yourself without necessarily learning it anywhere, all you need is passion and interest (and a bit of skill). The song is called 'woo hoo' by a Japanese rock band (three girls) called 'the 5.6.7.8'.

Maastricht (as i see)

2009-04-22T01:14:00.006+02:00

music: Carter Burwell - esme's favourite
place: maastricht
I took all the pictures in one day (on this rather sunny day)

two videos on youtube

2009-04-15T14:52:00.006+02:00

Just something I experimented with cause I’ve never made a video before.

colours of spring

2009-04-14T18:12:00.008+02:00

Spring is wonderful, the warmth and the sun. Its definately worth appreciating after long winter cold. I've been out with my camera these days, trying to frame the colours of the spring. Some picture i took these couple of days.

15 mins late

2009-04-06T19:54:00.006+02:00

I missed my exam for the last module. The funny thing is that i was so definite that the exam starts at 10am, so in my mind i was 45 mins early when i was 15 mins late. The rule was changed just the other day which i unfortunately did not read cause i was busy studying for the exam. I normally recheck with my friends for the examination time but this time I didn’t. Ironically it turns out i did tell Sarah that it starts at 9. Well when i found out i was late, i just rushed into the examination room but the examiner there (an old lady who apparently doesn't speak English) wouldn't let me in (bloody rule). Well i did everything i could in my capacity to get the exam done on that day. I was so prepared and ready to get it done. I was even locked in a room by my course coordinator so that she could work out on the problem (her idea of shutting me out from information/connection). But somehow nothing got worked out. Well now i just have to take the re-sit which is two months from now. At first i was mad at myself for the sheer stupidity of not asking anyone or checking the course manual twice or even once. But seriously now i'm totally over it. I honestly think that my problems are just too insignificant to be worked out about.
Anyhow my only resolution for this year is to 'experience new thing' so probably this is a good thing; another new accidental experience to add to my list.
These days I’ve just been on deviantart trying to capture spring as much as I can.

pic taken few mins ago

battle of the bands

2009-04-02T00:54:00.006+02:00

Today was the final round of the battle of the bands. The bands i voted for earlier made it (big smile for that).
So today we had The Imagineers, Polot Flames, Jamestown and TV Off. Besides their own songs, all of them had to do a cover song of Nirvana's 'smells like teen sprit'. I loved the version by the imagineers, they made it their own and it sounded like a whole new song. The one by tvoff was very creative since they mixed the music from the cover song with two other song and it totally worked.
so my vote:
first :: TV OFF

second
the imagineers

another night of live music.
hl-otn: the vocalist from tvoff gave me a copy of their CD, how cool is that.

taking flight

2009-03-24T01:07:00.007+01:00

Quite unusual but blue skies and white fluffly clouds finally.

what is incubus up to?

2009-03-13T22:57:00.003+01:00

Nothing much going on but i was youtubing today to find out that 'incubus' will be working on a new album soon. I hope they don't end up over-producing it, i hope its great. Good luck to you guys *yippy!*

happy birthday Sonam

2009-02-24T08:10:00.006+01:00

My beautiful son, you turn two years old today. It’s a sad that I am not there to hold you close and wish you ‘happy birthday’. There’s nowhere I would rather be at this moment than to be with you and hold you close. I must say you were the most wonderful baby I held for nine months. You never gave me morning sickness or kicked hard. My face had this strange glow and I remember being so happy knowing I would have you.

I remember the day when I gave birth to you. It was the most amazing experience. It’s a shame that only women gets to experience something as wonderful as creating life. Anyhow my labour started at 11 in the night and I had you 8:15 in the morning. It was a peculiar day because I remember only me (giving birth) in the delivery room. The whole thing was utterly painful but all that pain ceased to be when I saw the most amazing thing come out of me and it was you. I remember your curly hairs, the amazing glow on your face, your cute little hands (they were the most beautiful hands I’d ever seen), your long feet and your curious face. The first thing you did was grab scissor from the nurse hands and take off the oxygen thing the nurse put over your mouth. I remember being so happy when I held you close and saw your face for the very first time. That day, you gave me the gift of being a mother (though I doubt if I am any good). It’s been two years since all that has happened but I remember every detail of it just like it happened yesterday. It’s amazing how time passes so fast to watch you grow and do something new everyday. I miss you, I love you and I wish you happy birthday... your mom.

Artwork: Baby sonam by kuchu

the carnival comes

2009-02-20T18:47:00.007+01:00

The Maastricht Carnival starts today. I went with my friend to buy costume for the one week carnival. If you dress normally this week, you would probably look very odd and out of place (at least that's what my friend said). The town is filled with people dressed up in the weirdest costume.

We went to few stores that sold the ugliest and the most expensive dresses. It's amazing to see all the colourful dresses, something you would never wear on a normal day. There are range of styles and characters to choose from. I've also noticed most of those stuff are made in China. My budget is tight so i ended up buying a colossal pink glittery hat and a fake feathered neck wear (afterall i need it only for a day). He bought some of the strangest thing because he plans to be a female nurse. It’s overwhelming to see people around me get excited about the whole thing and the town is filled with typical medieval music. Constantly you see a pack of musicians passing by and people drinking beer. It seems like people always find a reason to celebrate here.

Today a week of wonderful lecture also ended. I think so far the best we've ever had. I was feeling bit too emotional when the guy wished us luck and said good bye. You don’t always meet professors who share more than their knowledge and experience and when you do you can't help feeling a bit emotive when they leave.

azwethinkweiz

2009-02-18T14:21:00.012+01:00

I think one emotion we need to do way with is self-doubt, that feeling of ‘I can't do this', 'I suck at this' or 'this is my weakness''. Also the reason why we tend to have self-doubt is because we never made an attempt to see if we can actually do it or due to something external. I mean external because we always tend to compare ourselves to someone or something other than ourselves or because someone said so or indicated it that way. The thing we have to realize is that we know ourselves the best, so what’s the point of letting someone else be the judge of who we are. I also think once we put your mind and hard work into something, anything is possible. There’s no best or worst way of doing something. Each of us has our own interesting way of being or doing things that makes us different from the rest. So how ever we are or how ever we do the things we do, it’s unique and that's a beauty on its own.

Another emotion to be weary of is, worry. Bobby McFerrin couldn't have said it any better, 'don't worry be happy'. Sometimes worrying is good because it pushes you to make things happen but I think worrying about anything in general is just not worth it. Take for example all the assignments I’ve been doing lately. I stayed up untill 3 am in the morning yesterday to get it done by this morning because we had only half a day to finish 15 pages of TM. My German friend (who is the perfectionist in my group) gets too agitated as always and sees a dead end to our paper but amazingly we get it done. I've realized its just no use worrying about things like that cause everything ultimately falls in pieces at the end.

And don't ponder too much about the things you've done wrong in the past. If it’s something good to ponder about, nice but if its the things you wish you would’ve done different, there's nothing much you can do about it. It’s not true when people say having remorse or regret is good. I would say what’s the point? The best you can do is learn from the things you've done which may not necessarily have been the way you would have done them now and move on.

I also think what we need to do away with the bigotry. Apple should shop saying oranges look funny and makes jokes about them and oranges should stop saying apples are snob and foolish. I think what makes this world beautiful, complicated and something to celebrate about is our differences and not the similarities we share. If all of us were oranges, there's nothing much to talk about. Just the other day my friend was telling me that he hope for the Yanki guy not to come to the Serbia trip because he thought he is too loud and stupid. Well I told him that his being there would make the trip even more fun and exciting.

So we have four things we can do away with, self-doubt, worry, regret and intolerance. Its difficult since it’s the part of the package of being a human and having human emotion. One might say that the thing about living and life itself is the regular high and the lows. But at the end of the day if these four things ruin your mental and physical health, it’s just not worth it.

teachers

2009-02-16T00:39:00.008+01:00

When I look back, I think I had the most wonderful English teacher during my ninth and tenth grade. He was from South India and really passionate about his profession. Every Friday we had this thing called ‘personality development’ sessions. So every Friday we carried out range of activities other than the normal syllabi. It was also a competition and it was always fun and fearful since we got to do so many new things. I also remember students from other classes getting a green-eye cause we had such a cool English teacher. He was truly amazing. Also now that I think of it, I think we had the most wonderful English text. It was Shakespeare, poetry and short stories. Everything I love in English literature. What I remember most are the short stories. They were just amazing; the bet, the needle, the man who know too much, the sniper, the face on the wall, the enchanted poll, history lesson, gateman’s gift… These stories were so wonderful, that somehow it’s stuck in my head like a good memory from my childhood.

My Dzongkha handwriting has always been a mess but all that changed during my higher secondary years. I had this really amazing Dzongkha teacher who literarily changed my handwriting from bad to the best (well at least that's what i think). But I certainly need to improve a gazillion on my reading and writing. The funny thing is that my thoughts are bizarrely in English and I always end up putting English words here and there when I speak Dzongkha, it’s awful. You could say I speak Dzonglish and I hate it.

I have always been more found of technical subject. I love math and that’s all because of this amazing teacher from my seventh to tenth grade. I think good teacher have a huge impact on our lives, at least they did in mine. The worst one, i don't really think much about them. Like my history teacher who always said he hated history and history was crab, and he preferred talking more about his broken relationship than he would about history. Now that I think about it, I think he just wasted our time. He was a nice guy though.

I also had teacher who told me 'computer is like a flower' and 'computer is like an ocean'. He was bad but the good thing was that I never forgot the things I learned from my ninth grade computer teacher and that really helped. Our school had brand new computers (it was 1994), most of which had to be thrown away because people put passwords in them. I was really fascinated when he did all the things he did with Ms.DOS (which is a dead language now). But computer is definately one of my favorite subjects even now.

I think I had the worst teachers till the sixth grade. I can’t remember much about any of them cause most of them were mean and I don’t think I learned anything from any of them, seriously! I only remember being scared to get beaten, being scared to ask for permission to go to the toilet and just being scared of everything. It was probably a phase i went through but all that changed when i met the teachers i met later on (some good some bad and some amazing).

thoughs for today

2009-02-14T21:41:00.004+01:00

I feel strangely blue today. It’s probably because of the fact that today is the so called ‘v-day’, I don’t even like spelling the ‘v’ word so I’m just going to say ‘v’. It was probably something invented by one of those card selling companies, like they did Halloween and others. I am told that Santa (the fat guy that goes hohoho in December) is something that the coco cola company came up with in the early 1970s (not too sure about the date). With the red and white he wears, it does make sense. So, they basically came up with the idea of a lovely fat guy going from houses to house on sledge, going down the chimney, dropping presents and all the rest of the things. Now the rest of the world thinks it’s something that has always been there since the beginning of the beginning. Its strange how we make up so many things like that and it becomes a part of us later on, though at the back of our head we know its one big lie. It’s thoroughly confusing when illusions become more real than reality itself. Anyways coming back to now, today is the so called day to be with the person you love. I wonder why the hell you need a day to do that. But it sucks since my husband and I are in two different side of the globe (we share ten hours difference). For people like us, I think it’s a day to be more miserable and miss the person you love even more. For others I guess it’s a wonderful day. So I'll be so gald when today ends.

to sing in the rain

2009-02-14T20:43:00.002+01:00

‘Singin’ in the rain’ has to be one of my favorite musicals of all time. Gene Kelly is amazing in emoting that feeling of being in love.
Being in love surpasses bad weather and every other thing that would normally bring you down, it can only make you wear a goofy smile and the world seems merrier even in the rain. Love has so many manifestations and it’s abundantly everywhere. It’s in a mother’s warm embrace, a walk in the park, sunset, blue sky, jelly fishes floating in space, your son waving at you from a screen, memories, everything and everywhere. I guess we only need to open our heart and mind. So a wish out for everyone to have a reason to wear that goofy smile every day, especially today.

worn out

2009-02-11T23:28:00.006+01:00

I feel tired and out of focus these days. Yesterday was yet another long rainy day in Brussels. It was non-stop hoping from the European Parliament to GTZ, Carnegie Endowment, Advocats Sans Frontieres and the West Sahara office. We took the subway, the tramp and the bus to get to these places. The rain was pouring from every side; we could see torn umbrellas’ in the garbage cans. I hardly get time to think or sleep these days. Today was yet another long day of group assignment without eating a proper meal. I can’t wait for the carnival holiday to start. I miss waking up at 12 noon and I definitely need some time to myself.

Things I remember as a kid

2009-02-09T23:02:00.005+01:00

Staring at the sun and feeling the warmth on my face,
Watching the rain drip from the roof. It feels like you’ll flying up,
Playing rubber band between two polls and having the best time of my life,
Eating chewing gum worth 10 bucks (that’s 40) and not being about to move my jaws the next day,
Stapling the nail on my thumb because I was sure that the staple would not penetrate the nail (I was wrong),
Cutting my upper eyes with our neighbours’ gate and pretending it did not hurt or I didn’t know about the blood oozing away when I went home,
Running stupidly into a nail,
Being nearly bitten by a dozen of our neighbors’ dogs when I was happily running home,
Being amazed at the handkerchief rat that jumped out of my teachers’ hand. For a long time I thought that was magic,
Being clueless in grammar classes,
Having crush on my chemistry teacher because he smelled so nice. I also scored the highest in his subject
Copying from my desk mate only to find all his answers were wrong,
Cello taping my breast cause I was too embarrassed,
Not having a clue when I had my first period,
Banging into things every now and then. Once the injury was so bad that it made my cousin cry because she thought I was a purple monster,
Breaking million and one things because I thought I could save time by carrying everything at once.

Battle of the Bands

2009-02-05T15:50:00.006+01:00

Four bands as usual, this time it was Jamestown, The Imagineers, Offroad and Vortex Surfer. Anyways the ‘battle of the bands’ is a series of competition (through performance) between the upcoming bands where the audience gets to vote for the best band and the runners up. The final round wins them a recording deal and their music gets to be featured in prominent radio broadcast.

The first band was really bad, bad vocal and nothing new about their music. They didn't even interact with the audience so there was this huge empty space between the band and the audience. I was bit confused with the second band since they started with their cowboy hats on (not so much into country music) but those hats were pretty deceiving. They were the best which is why i ended up voting for them. The third band had lots of energy but they were not the best. However, the last band was really young and talented but by then me and my friend were pretty tired, so we ended up heading home after four or five songs from the band. It was another night of awesome live music.

keep backup

2009-02-04T02:34:00.005+01:00

Today i realize the importance of keeping backup. The thing about laptops (no matter how careful you are) is that it can give problem with booting (you never know). It happened twice with me. The first time it worked but this time around, it didn't.

I've also realized that the worst ICT people would only recommend formatting as a solution to all your problems. That's what I was offered. The thing about formatting is that, you just lose everything, the entire file is gone, the drivers are gone and things don't function properly. Internet wouldn't work because i had no network driver. However, at the end of the day, I’m pleased at the fact that i managed to have all the drivers installed (even without the driver CD) and have Internet back. Once that's done, the other things are pretty easy (illegal downloading).
It’s strange that i don't feel anything about losing all my files (everything). I guess there is just no point in that cause there's nothing i can do about it. On the contrary I feel quite happy that my laptop works properly and more happy with my ingenuity.

moral of the story : KEEP BACKUP!!

distractions

2009-01-30T00:40:00.001+01:00

It’s amusing to see 'the many ways' to distract ourselves evolve and transcend. With modernization I must say it’s becoming more and more difficult not to get distracted. Despite that, even the simplest thing can be the cause of distraction. For instance, I am not even hungry but I would end up going to the kitchen looking for something to eat. My room is clean but I would end up vacuuming it. Honestly I don’t know why I do the things that I do to waste time. You cannot even blame it on the object of distraction, because you're the one who decides.

Here I am sitting in front of my computer, looking at my empty mail boxes. My book for the next module, ‘Financing Social Protection’ is still left unopened. I’ve borrowed four other books from the library to read for this week but so far I have not. Instead I’ve let the so called ‘nothing box’ get hold of me.

Sometimes we just waste so much time. Well let’s say on an average a person lives for 60 years, which roughly calculates to 525,600 hrs (surprisingly not much). If this person sleeps on an average 8 hrs a day and spend 20 years on schooling, he would be left with 233,600 hrs (so what was the point of all this calculation), well the point is 233,600 hrs is a lot of time if I decided to spend it more cleverly. I could change the world if I wanted to. For now I close my laptop and open my books but its already 12:33 in the morning, so once again i say 'tomorrow'.

five on my list

2009-01-29T00:32:00.007+01:00

Since I love musical, animation and comedy, the five movies on my list will be
1. Singin' in the rain - Gene Kelly at his best and one of the best musical to be made.
2. 12 angry men - my brother recommended this movie. I think it’s one of the best movies ever to be made. A movie need not necessarily be George lucasi (computer generated, green screen, highly produced, maga stars), it just need a good story and rest will follow.
3. Roman Holidays - if you like Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck like i do.
4. Howl's moving castle – my sister introduced me to Hayao Miyazaki. His work includes Spirited Away, My Neighbours Totoro and many others which are truly inspirational.
5. Mrs. Pettigrew lives for a day - This is another nice musical I watched recently.

This is hard since there are so many good books. However five books to be inspired from will be
1. The Catcher in the Rye - I was inspired to put pen to paper after i read this book. I wrote almost forty two chapters of something about nothing in particular. The sad thing is that this is one of the few works by J.D. Salinger.
2. The Alchemist – I would say Paulo Ceolho’s master piece. The thing about this author is his simplicity in language and he’s not one of those authors who introduce twenty characters in one page. This is a story that tells you to follow your dreams, "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true".
Something on the same line would be ‘the secret’ by Rhonda Byrne but i am not too sure about the practical aspects of her message. Wanting something does not make things happen, you have to work towards it.
3. The Coolie - i read this book when i was in the seventh grade. It made me cry so much. It’s one of those books that linger on. A book by Mulk Raj Anand.
4. Tibetan book of Death - one of the most important books to read while you are alive.

5. Fountainhead - i am not much into friction novel but this one was pretty good. This book teaches you about the importance of individualism, at least that's what i though. I think the message of 'individualism' is very important since we live in a society where we can easily get brainwashed by the media, politics and anything external. I think at the end of the day, whatever we do should be not because someone said so, but because we value our own judgement. A book by Ayn Rand.

Bhutan is facinating

2009-01-28T01:00:00.003+01:00

The first thing anyone asks me when i tell them i am from Bhutan is if it's true that getting visa to Bhutan is very expensive and difficult. Apparently they have this misconception about how difficult it is to come to Bhutan.

Yesterday i had few friends come over for lunch. There was this German guy who was not very pleased with Bhutan's 'high value low volume’ tourism policy. Apparently he thinks he's the citizen of the world and that there should not be any barriers between him and where he wants to travel. He has this concept about global community and things like that. He actually came with a bag pack in our apartment. He even told us about his experience of travelling and meeting the masai herders of Tanzania and also something about how his travel there boosted the local industry. However, it’s good that the rest of the people on the table absolutely disagree with him

Well i tell him that the first reason why anyone wants to come to Bhutan is because of it unique culture and rich environment. Now if we don't have that, then we are like the rest of the world and how the policy is a measure to stop the deterioration. Somehow people here seem to be fascinated with where i come from. Not that I blame them because I am pretty fascinated to be where I am from. It’s not even the fact that our capital does not have street lights or the fact that our farmers feed marijuana to the pigs or the fact that television and internet came only in 1999 or the fact that we have acres and acres of untouched lands or the fact that there are only 650 thousand people living in it or the fact that we value happiness above all or the fact we have monarchs who're loved so much by the people (sorry for making you breathless), Bhutan is just fascinating in every possible dimension and I hope it continues to be that way.

Losar Tashi Delek

2009-01-27T10:28:00.001+01:00

I didn't realize it was Losar until i read She Yo En's blog. The thing about being far from home is you hardly realize what day it is back home. These days I’ve develop this routine of sleeping at 3 and waking up at 10 (sometimes 11 or 12)

Losar use to be extra special when i was kid. During The winter vacation, my family always made it a point to visit our village far East. I had both my great grandparents then, dozens of grandfathers and grandmothers and more than twenty uncles. At one point of time we had five generation in our family, something that is considered very special. During the holidays, the house at our village use to be really crowded but that was the beauty and fun of it.

I remember neighbors coming together, playing games, exchanging food and drinks and singing and dancing the night away. Losar use to last for more than a week when i was in village. I remember being served so much food in one plate that there was always something left behind for dinner. We the kids use to entertain, showing off all the dances, songs and stories we learned in school. There was no electricity back then so in the evening we would hear the most fascinating tales from our grandparents which usually starts ‘long long ago…’ and somewhere in the middle there would always be something about the heros ‘crossing the seven seas, the seven ocean and the seven mountains…’. When I think about my childhood, one of the memories I have is that of celebrating losar. So I hope every parents back home makes this losar extra special for their children and family. I hope it’s a time that brings families, friends, neighbours and communities together. I wish everyone Losar Tashi Delek!

think creative

2009-01-24T19:08:00.000+01:00

Besides this I’ve started exploring the creative bit of me. I wish i was gifted with some sort of talent in music, art, photography or something. I don't suppose I have any but I think if i was i would have had so much to offer. Despite being clueless, I’ve started posting some photography on flicker and my so called artwork on deviartart. This has made me take my camera wherever i go. It’s not such a good one with only 4.1 mega pixel and optical zoom 3x. The pictures comes out blurry in the evening and it cannot capture motions. Despite all that i try to make the best out of it. I don't want to get a new one because this one is really close to my heart. It’s something my sister gave me on this really special occasion. So i would not trade it for anything, unless it got broken beyond repair.

I am also bit clueless about Photoshop. I know people who can do crazy stuff there and it sure is handy if you like photo and art manipulation. For now i use picasa 3 for all the picture manupulations. I don't really have a purpose for doing all this but for now its something i like.

photograph: 165 pieces of lentils on kitchen floor

the last journals

2009-01-23T23:10:00.000+01:00

I’ve always been found of writing. Not the structural sort of writing but writing just for the sake or writing. I started keeping journal since high school (not something I do anymore). Going though the so called ‘teenage phase’ a lot of things go through your head. The emotion you feel are extreme and the world you see is a big messed up confusion. I was one confused person I must say, still am. Most of the time you cannot say the things that is going on in your head because there are no spoken words for it and also who do you tell these stuff to. Sometimes speaking is bit too overrated and I think some things are better said when it’s written down especially when it involves the maze in your head.

I think writing about things going on in my head was a big release for me. It was therapeutic because once it’s written down it’s no longer inside you but somewhere out there. When you write something down, it feels like someone or rather something is patiently listening to you and doesn't hold it against you. But the funny thing is I’d burn all those journals at the end of the year. One time I forgot to burn them, so I had four or five of them lying around in my parents’ house. Before setting the last of them on fire, I went through the pages of it and found out that my husband was the first to wish me on my 19th birthday.

artwork 'i don't do journals' by Kuchu

examination

2009-01-22T23:14:00.000+01:00

The first time when I went to college, I was the happiest only because of one reason. I thought my days of sitting for examination were over. I don’t know how I got that naive idea but I’ll blame it on my many uncles. The things they use to tell me about that particular college I went to was fascinating. From what they said (about their experience), I assumed that a college was a place for one big fun and no more worries about examination. So despite travelling six hundred kilometers away from home and being in mids of fog and mist, I was the happiest. I guess no one could really understand the shock and disappointment on my face when I discovered otherwise.

Well here I am, done with college and done with my post-graduation diploma but still doing series of examination after examination. I finally comprehend with the fact that life is a never ending examination. It need not necessarily be the one you take in a classroom with series of questions to answer but with every other thing. Which reminds me I got another exam tomorrow. So wish me luck because I think I’ll need them.

10 songs i'm listening to

2009-01-21T15:25:00.001+01:00

i wanted to add songs from siobhan donaghy and death cab for cutie but those are hard to find.

OL's blog

2009-01-20T12:48:00.001+01:00

link link link

kudos to OL!

my room-mates

2009-01-18T18:14:00.000+01:00

I’ve got three amazing roommates. Alex from Greece, studies Bachelors in International Economics. Right now he’s making a big deal out of his sprained ankles (souvenir from last night basketball game) and walking with crutches
Ester’s from Hungary and does liberal arts. It amazes me to see her do mix of so many odd subjects which I would never think of. Last month it was songs and poetry and this month is hard core law.
Dolly from Nigeria, studies the same subject as me. Well we are one big happy family here at Mergelweg 102.

being focused & geeks

2009-01-17T11:48:00.000+01:00

I think i am full of rubbish for doing what i did. It's something that makes you scream in shame and it’s something i have to put to an end. The funny thing is when you tell yourself, ok i am not doing this or i am not doing that, the thought of that certain thing is always in your head. The more you try not to think about it, to more you end up thinking about it. So what is the solution when you don't want to do something? Well i guess i'll never know but one thing is for sure, i am definitely not doing what i did. I've already taken measures starting from now and also i have this page to remind me to keep myself straight, focused and sane.

Well its weekend and i got exercises from six chapters of econometrics. Sometimes the thing that i am learning here does not make much sense. The whole idea is that i can use whatever i have learned when i head back home. One useful thing that I’ve learned so far is STATA. It’s an amazing programme and i just love it. Despite the fact that i've never heard of it before i think i am doing pretty good and there are people here who knows nothing much about it. Anyways i've learned that geeks here are pretty snobbish, in a sense that they tend to put other people down quite a lot (i can't understand the thing about them wearing glasses). I am friends with most of them but i think i certainly don't like the way they are when it comes to thinking they know it all. Most of the time they are full of rubbish and they tend to be too stubborn on their thinking. I could try to convince them otherwise but their minds are pretty much made up. Anyways one day (probably when they are at their 40s or 50s), they will realize how full of shit they were.

meditation

2009-01-15T23:36:00.000+01:00

Being a Buddhist, it is important to know the art of meditation. But I don't think I know much about the practical aspects of it. There is a German in my class who seem to know more than i do and it’s something he does daily.
i always thought meditation involves deep concentration or focus on an image or an object but it is totally the other way round. It is more of freeing your mind and letting go as Sogyal Rinpoche calls here 'the natural striptease'. The way Rinpoche explains it here, it seems more doable.

my bad advice

2009-01-15T22:47:00.001+01:00

A little while ago i spend some hours talking to my friend. Apparently he feels confused about having an affair with another girl. Despite the fact that he still loves his girlfriend, he went on doing what he did. Not that I blame him cause they’re having this thing called the ‘long distance relationship’ which is pretty common here. He is still friend with the other girl, who i might say is a wonderful person. He even avoids meeting her for the fear of doing something wrong again. Despite all that when he tells me about how he met his girlfriend nine or ten years ago, I think what they have is pretty strong.

In the past he was honest enough to tell her about his infidelity and no surprise she did not take it well. Even now things get heat up because she always tend to remind him of the certain wrong thing he did in the past whenever they have a fight. But I tell him not to tell her about the recent affair he’s had. I mean honestly, some things are better kept to yourself. I can’t understand why the past should hunt you anyways. The past has no shape or form. It’s only a memory and memories are like a dream. Unless one feels attached to the memory and makes a big deal out of it. He tells me he’s not crazy to do something as stupid as that.
I guess it’s pretty hard to forgive something like that once you know about it but I think people should move on anyways. Honestly human emotions are way too complicated.

make your contribution

2009-01-13T23:22:00.000+01:00

I contributed eight pictures to Bhutan Observer today. Our king's birthday is just around the corner and BO will be creating this amazing poster of HM from millions of Bhutanese faces. It'll be nice to be one of those faces. I think Bhutan is blessed to have wonderful monarchs. I just love my kings to the core. Well if you are a Bhutanese and if you want to make your contribution to this amazing poster, send in your pictures to lobzangdorji@bhutanobserver.com.bt

homesick

2009-01-12T23:56:00.000+01:00

I feel pretty homesick and depressed these days. I think I’ve been in this place too long. But i guess another six months would go by pretty quickly. ‘Time is relative’ so they say.

Today was the first day in school after a long holiday. Everyone was looking very pleased to see one another going 'hi, how are you, happy new year, how was the holidays…'. Something i just hate being around that sortta situation. Well if i talk about my holidays, it basically involved me getting up at noon, watching too much movies and basically doing nothing. Not that i complain but now that's over, i wish i would have worked more on my thesis, learned a bit of Japanese, travelled more or done something extraordinary. To cheer myself up, i met up with my friend and we went to watch a movie. Nothing like being with a good friend and having a good time. The world feels more merrier now.

Nyoshel Khen Rinpoche

2009-01-10T23:13:00.001+01:00

Today i feel really happy because i came across this link on youtube. I have very fond memories of Nyoshel Khen Rinpoche who (when i was kid) use to live above our apartment. We use to live in this place where many of great Buddhist teachers were our neighbors. I remember him giving us sweets and other goodies whenever he saw us outside. My brother use to fake crying outside his window just so that he would get something. He was also my teacher. Nyoshel Khen is an embodiment of compassion, joy and enlightment. I use to feel this great energy of love and compassion when i was around him. Even now seeing this video of him makes me feel very happy.

today

2009-01-06T01:00:00.000+01:00

Today when i woke up, it was snowing so heavy. Everything looked white. The snow was almost 30 cm thick. I instantly thought I’ll cancel my trip to Eindhoven (to pick up something i needed to pick from some place) but i went anyways. It was nice walking on the show. On one occasion i fell down and landed on my bottom right in the center of the town, which i rather found amusing. I think the embarrassment lasted less than a second. It took me few hours to go though the town and be done with my business. After few train and bus rides, I was instantaneously back in Maas by four.

The sad news is that just few hours ago, I found out that my friend’s dad passed away. I went to her place as soon as I heard the news, hoping to be of some use. It’s a sad cause I can only imagine the pain she’s going though. Sometimes I think I am stupid for not knowing what to do or say when the other person is going though that much pain and sadness. I only hope I made her feel little better when I left her place. She leaves tomorrow. I pray for her safe journey back home.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T09:00:00.000+01:00

A very very Happy New Year to Everyone! I hope and pray that the year 2009 is the year for happiness, peace and prosperity all around the globe. I hope people acquire new wisdom and compassion for all fellow being. To my friends and family, i wish you adventure, new experience, happiness and good health. To the leaders around the world, i wish you strength, compassion and wisdom to make a positive difference in this world.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

i am a happy vegetarian

2008-12-28T21:44:00.000+01:00

People ask me if i am a vegetarian because i am a Buddhist. Well it’s nothing like that, it’s just the thought of eating something that lived is kindda hard to comprehend, especially if you are eating an animal you love. Of course i am not crazy about animal and I've never had a pet except for cat and i am not so crazy about them either. I think I’ve been a vegetarian as long as i can remember. My parent tells me that i use to get really sick when i ate meat so i was asked not to eat any. During my teenage years i did try eating meat but i think it was something i did out of curiosity and the fact that i was no longer getting sick when i had them. But I think I feel much cleaner (my digestive system) when I don’t eat meat. The thing is why can't we just live and let live. It’s amazing that people can eat a species to an extent that it becomes extent from the face of the earth.

Last time when I was at delft, my host was making a chicken stew. She was basically making a dish out of chicken hearts (and those were really beautiful tiny hearts). I think there was hundred or more of it. She was saying that slaughter houses usually throw them away as waste. Its not that I have anything against people who are non-veg for my husband is as non-veg as a person can get. It’s funny that when we were going out, the fact that I was a vegetarian was a bit of a concern for him.

I’ve also this crazy or rather stupid thing about not eating honey. I’ve never tasted honey my life except every recently and that to by accident. My house owner (who’s at her early 70s and loves classical music) invited me over to eat like she always do. She cut a brown bread for me and spread jam over it (at least that’s what I thought). But later when I had a mouthful of it she was kind enough to inform me that it was honey. When I told her I don’t eat honey, she was basically amused and though I was stupid (i don't blame her for thinking that way). She said honey is 'medicine from the nature' and was good for my health. But I told her how I felt. Imagine someone working day and night to earn $100 and later someone comes along and takes away that hard earned cash. Well how would that person feel? Of course I am not trying to sound so melodramatic and no one knows for sure how the bee feels but I choose to do things that makes me feel happy and i think that's what's important.

confused as always

2008-12-28T17:19:00.000+01:00

I am back from another weird lunch invitation. The reason why it was weird is because i don't think i ate anything except for some salted cashew nuts. I guess i have to apprehend with the fact that i am on the other side of the globe and a lunch invitation does not necessarily include eating.

Well the days are running out and i need to work diligently towards my thesis proposal. The thing is that there is so much to write about and i am not too sure if the topic i choose is a good one. I guess I’ll have to stick to it and stop doing other things. Here is a plan intend to keep by the end of holiday, 'make up my mind'.

holiday in Delft

2008-12-26T17:04:00.000+01:00

Well after a long time i went out of this town for few days. It was definitely a good experience, considering the fact that i was nearly thrown out of the train and got seriously hit by an old granny (she was driving crazy with the bike), which reminds me that my leg still hurts. The funny thing was that after i got hit, it was me who was apologising and i told her it was ok. Sometimes i am just too nice for my own good.

Sometimes when you come back from something or somewhere, it feels like none of the things you experienced actually happened. Things just become a memory and i can't even say if it was for real. Like for instance, i am back in maas and it feels like i was never out of this town in the first place and did all the things i did. It is as if i was here the whole time and this feeling sure sucks, not that i like clinging on to good things cause i certainly don't. I believe in 'impermanance' of everything (life, love and the world) but sometimes when you experience such sortta feeling, it makes you wonder what's real, what's illusion and everything kindda goes blurry.

On a lighter side, i discovered this really awesome singer by the name of Siobhan Donaghy. She's one talented singer songwriter and sort of under-rated in many ways. Sometimes the world just do not appreciate pure talent and that sucks cause there are so many artist who are just too over-rated and not even worth listening to while they are being awarded with all the awards there is. For now, i am in love with her voice, so see it for yourself here.

jupiter

2008-12-22T22:08:00.000+01:00

Today as i headed to the train station i was reminded of something very interesting (don't know if that's the right word) about this place. Here being sane cost more than wanting to be insane. My friend and I met up at this place to catch up of some stuff (or rather an excuse to meet). Well, being the Dutch that he is, he ordered beer and i for no good reason (or a very good) ordered a hot cup of water.
I don't know what i thought but coming from a place where water is abundantly flowing everywhere, I didn’t think it would cost four euros. Not that it matter cause I like this place anyway. And tomorrow I head to Delft to meet with a friend working with the ADB. She plans to drag me along with her to the places she’ll go.
Walking the street today I realized I was wrong about one thing. There are more people now than there was before the holidays. And even if friends you care about are with families in Switzerland, skiing in winter show, heading to Cameron or da da… you just make the best of what’s ‘now’, call up friends who’re still here, eat tomato soup, buy some stuff, go home and make the worst noodles, watch a political documentary that only ends up depressing you, and ultimately have a good time with them.

back from dinner but rather hungry

2008-12-21T22:04:00.001+01:00

Today i was invited by a Nigerian friend for dinner. She turns 50 today. It was good to get out of my solitude and the prospect of eating something other than my own cooking seemed great. But turns out all the food in the table were non-veg (apparently they eat only meat). So here i am, back home, rather hungry, eating noodles again. Even my ears hurt from all the loud conversations the men were having about how a typical African guy controls his woman and how her place is in the kitchen, which of course I do not agree at all. But I don’t think I said anything because my voice was drowned in those really loud conversations. Sometimes the more I know about the rest of the world, the more I am glad to be from where I am from.

thoughts for today

2008-12-21T18:06:00.000+01:00

There are points in your life when you realize that the people you give so much thought, attention and concern is not worth your time and energy. I've felt this about so many people I’ve met and called friends but at some point of your life you just comprehend with the fact that they are not your friends or anything for that matter. It’s not even the question of being used but i think i am smart enough to understand and read people's thoughts on their face and gesture. I think I’ve never felt bad when that sort of thing happened to me, probably because the person never meant much to me in the first place. I don't know if saying such a thing should deem me bad but i think there shouldn't be anything in life that should make you feel bad for long time. 'Move on', that's my motto in life. To think about it, i think the thought of getting to really know a person is kindda uncomfortable and scary. There is no such thing as beauty (in sense of everything that's good in life) that 'skin deep' that i know of except for one person whom i ended up marrying.

Spitz

2008-12-21T15:23:00.001+01:00

My brother introduced me to Spitz, a Japanese band formed in the late 1980s. They are very pleasant to listen to and some of their songs makes you wanna learn Japanese. Though i don't know or understand the language, i know two of their songs very well. I came across this video today and it makes me feel happy in midst of doing nothing. The song is titled 'Hadaka no mamade' which basically means 'naked as we are'

Home Alone

2008-12-20T13:45:00.000+01:00

Today I said goodbye to my flat mates and wish them a wonderful holiday ahead. They leave for holiday and so here I am home alone. Not that I didn’t have plans to go somewhere but somehow I cannot due to some technical stuff which I rather not talk about. It would be nice to take the risk and just go somewhere but then again I don’t want to be thrown in some European penitentiary. It’s a long holiday ahead of me and by the end of it I plan to have some major work done on my masters’ thesis. For now I feel pretty happy to have to whole house for myself and I want to see how I handle two week of solitude. I think if a person can handle being alone, he can pretty much handle anything. Not that this is a new experience for me. I think sometimes I just get too sick of being surrounded by people that I rather enjoy being alone. You feel like you have so much time in hand. But then again what is beautiful about this life is human interaction. It is the cause for happiness, love, pain, suffering, jealousy, compassion and every other thing, unless one wants to refrain from feeling all these emotions.
This is a really small town and each day you see people draining out to some other places. I guess during the holidays, the whole town will be empty.

lucky for 2nd time

2008-12-17T19:04:00.000+01:00

‘Be mindful’ that’s what Buddha said. If only I had been mindful I would not have lost my purse for the second time. I have my passport, my student card and everything there. It would have been a big headache if I did not get it back. The first time it was my phone and the bank card. It was a reckless night of total mindlessness. Today obviously something else has been bugging my mind so I didn’t even think of putting my purse back after paying for the lunch. Lucky for me I get it back for the second time.
I imagined the worse things when I was heading to the art cafeteria to see if they had it. Someone was nice enough to drop it at the secretariat. Here is my big heartfelt thanks to the person who left if there (OOO). People like you make this world worthwhile and as for me, this is the last time i lose any of my belonging (seriously!).

Brandon's book

2008-12-17T00:34:00.000+01:00

I can’t believe how difficult it is to get hold of Brandon’s book. I basically went to all (well probably not all but quite a lot) bookstores in Maastricht to order for the two book, ‘white fluffy clouds’ and his latest ‘from the murks of the sultry abyss’. Actually to think about it, I couldn’t really understand three words from the title of the second book. Getting hold of the two books would probably make me more happy than taking a trip to Paris and seeing the eiffel tower.

thoughs for today

2008-12-16T23:47:00.000+01:00

Well there is this old saying ‘don’t repeat the same mistake twice’ or something like that, I can’t exactly remember. For now, I can’t really understand what’s making a mistake anyway. And how do you know for sure if something you’ve done, despite the fact that it makes you happy should be labeled as a ‘mistake’. Someone once told me that the smartest person is the least happy and the happiest ones are not necessarily the smartest. To really think about it, I think it’s true. When you are smart, you always have your head telling you gazillion things like do this and be like that. To think about it, I think the reason why people drink so much is so that they can be stupid and do things that actually make them happy. Not that I recommend anyone to get drunk and be stupid. I think the things that you do when you are saner are the once that makes you the happiest in long run. But what is being happy anyways?

hills

2008-12-14T17:33:00.000+01:00

This was probably the longest weekend since i came here. I walked to the 2nd highest point without the slightest effort. It was a beautiful day though.

Flakes

2008-11-23T18:33:00.000+01:00

Its been snowing in Maastricht since yesterday. It is cold but also makes you wish you were outside playing. I have to remind myself to get a pair of gloves and some warm clothes. Its a beautiful day!

ok now

2008-11-23T00:55:00.000+01:00

Well the day started confused and tromenting but i am fine now.
I guess despite all the worst things you do in life, you have to forgive yourself, move on and laugh about it (this is really tough but it helps).
I've also learnt some very important lessons in life. There are two things i'm definately not doing anymore from now on.
Problems, it's always better to confront them than to run away from it.

Black out

2008-11-22T14:54:00.000+01:00

Have you every felt like throwing yourself in a river or jumping out of a building to excape from something horrible you've done (without anysense what so ever). That's excately how i feel right now. I won't elloborate into the details of it but i was certainly not myself.
Who was i if i was not me?

The path i take

2008-11-14T10:19:00.000+01:00

The road to school

The road to the farmer

A road to nowhere!

Decision

2008-10-22T22:08:00.000+02:00

I think i am really bad with making decision. Sometimes i am so sure of what i want but most of the time it takes just too much time. For now i got to decide weather i want to do 'Risk and Uncertainty' or 'Economics of Welfare State'. ummmmmm... tough decision:(

I think i am really growing to like this band...Gem, they were rocking last time. Oh! i've already said that.

Concert and After

2008-10-16T21:31:00.001+02:00

Today I really miss my son. I woke up dreaming of him. It’s always the same dream. I dream that I left him and there’s no one to take care of him. I do hope that the decision I made to leave him for my study pays off in future because at the moment it does not make any sense at all. At this moment I would rather be with him than to be anywhere else in the world. Even my study seems to make no sense at all. I really wonder if I’ve learned anything so far. I seem to get the feeling that I know so little of everything and there’s so much to learn but am I really learning anything sensible? So this afternoon I walk away from one of the class. I just had to walk back to my place and call my son.

On the lighter note, yesterday I went with my rommie to watch an Indi Rock concert (my first concert ever), and that to at 26, not that age matter. The band is called ‘gem’ and I must say that they were really good. Even now me and my roomie are going ‘take take take take a look at me now’ (a verse from one of their songs). In mids of all these ciaos, I think I broke a promise I made to my husband (or rather the promise he made me make) about not drinking without him. But he was vague about the kindda 'presence' he was talking about, so now I comfort myself telling that though he wasn’t there physically, he was very much there in soul and sprit:)

The band 'Gem' going 'she said oh oh oh, i said yeah yeah yeah...you're not the only one!'. Forget the lyrics, they were good.

Beautiful World

2008-10-14T23:26:00.000+02:00

Some pictures i took very recently. The world is a beautiful place and you can see it in moments and places like these.

My BD

2008-10-02T20:15:00.000+02:00

I had a wonderful birthday. I got these flowers from two good friends (who are newly in love). Come to think about it, my husband never got me flowers (when we were 'going out'). When i told him that he never got em for me, he wouldn't agree (like always). I don't argue, i let him win like always:) but come to think about it, he did get me couple of roses.

My roomies got me something to make soup with. It’s a machine that powers the dish and its awesome. I don't remember getting anything sensible for my bd from anyone. Since i'm the oldest in this apartment, i've been referred to as the 'mother' figure. Not that i mind, but i guess the way you look at everything and anything changes once you have a child of your own.

The funny thing is I also get 12 free movie tickets from the bank with one year validity. Well I guess nice things happens to nice people:)

spices

2008-09-14T10:21:00.000+02:00

Some pictures i took very recently in the street of Maastricht.
A friend of mine has Indian smell in his kitchen. wow!! Garam Masala and coconuts. It was just awesome. Those are few of the spices he used for the pumkin soup he made.

Punakha

2008-09-06T21:27:00.000+02:00

Well these pictures were taken few months ago when i went to Punakha. I sure like to think that i am good at photography. But on the other hand someone said that there is no bad picture you could take of Bhutan and that i think is so true.

maastricht

2008-09-03T14:51:00.000+02:00

Here i am in Maastrich. It has been few days since i came. Well i think that my body has perfectly adjusted to the weather here because my cold is now getting a lot better. The weather is almost as same as back home but walking the streets here is very pleasant since its neither going up nor down. Considering the fact that Thimphu is almost two to three thousand meter above the sea level and Maastricht is almost at sea level, its amusing to see a familiar sort of weather.

I had my tutorial. Its was ok. I guess i have too much expectation for the first day. People studying here are so very young. Even so, it seems like everyone wants to have a PhD before they get into a job. This morning i was telling this guy that we spend almost one third or more of our life in class room. Aren’t there any other things important in life besides education? Of course when i say education, i am talking about the class room sort of learning. i suppose one could very well ask weather education is really important to be a better person. It seems quite important to look better though. Sometimes i feel that the way we do things and the way we impose certain unwritten norms just makes life too complicated.

Anyway i am far from what i was thinking first. As of now, things are going good. I am very surprised to know that all Dutch people i've met know more or less about where i come from. I am also surprised to see people eager to meet me. I probably ended up disappointing to their expectation since I am someone who can camouflage in anywhere.

Long Goodbye

2008-09-01T21:44:00.000+02:00

Early this morning I had to say goodbye to my eighteen months old son. He was still sleeping while I got dressed at six in the morning and had an early breakfast. Time was running out so quickly I don’t feel much like going for my studies though it seemed like a pretty good idea at first.

So the time came and I kissed him goodbye for the whole 365 day while he is sleeping cool and calm in his bed (probably dreaming waking up with his mother by his side).
I just couldn’t stop crying when I left his room. It is just so hard. I hope he doesn’t know that I am gone. I hope he doesn’t feel the difference and I hope to see him good when I return.

I hate 27th august because I had to say goodbye to the only thing precious in my life.

Room in Maastricht

2008-07-28T09:21:00.000+02:00

Gee! Finding a room is Maastricht is a big headache as far as I am concern. I’ve been using home-abroad.nl but so far it has not been of much help to me. I’ve put 20 application and 18 are rejected. I am sure the other two will be rejected as well. I am done for if I don’t find one by end of August.

On a positive note, I though I’ll share a picture I took this weekend (from my home). Nothing much with me these days, but same old things happening again.

Sonam

2008-07-11T10:52:00.000+02:00

This is one of the drawings of my son done by my lil' sister. I just think it’s so cute and funny (I sure would think that since I am the mom). He was leaning against the bed and watching one of the movie trailers while that picture was taken. It’s amazing to see kids love their own movies and song and start dancing at them even without anyone telling them how. It’s wonderful to see him do something new each day.
Happy Weekend ^_^

A bad case of cold and work

2008-07-09T10:23:00.000+02:00

My parents have this habit of bragging that they never had to take us to hospital when we were little. Basically none of us three had any serious illness that couldn’t be treated at home with the indigenous medical expertise of my mom. Now as I get older, it’s comical to see a fever make me bed ridden for days. The fever probably came from the cold I got from my son, as a result of which my tonsil really hurts at the moment.

And while I am it I hate people who complain about what they are paid to do. I’ve noticed that people who complain are the ones who really do nothing at all. These people deserve to be kicked in their butt and thrown out of work. Frankly, they do noone any good. The thing about these people is that, they don’t have the capacity to take positive criticism but would rather mess-up up the minds of people who are working really hard. Taking about work place, did I mention how much I hate the BB. I just met him few minutes ago, I was just scribbling ‘f*** you old man’ on my notepad while he went on blab blab…. His constant complements don’t mean much to me, I doubt if he means them at all. What do I care if he got a red scarf. And I still haven’t put up the courage to call him an ass yet but I will one day, because he is and he sure deserves to know that.

I’ve been working worst than a donkey lately, the only time I get to read is when I am doing my thing in the toilet. I probably sound like a complain box but this is the last time I will, cause the place I work at is becoming more and more gloom. People around me fight for silliest reason and all the good people are leaving for greener pasture. Of course it doesn’t matter as long as I do the things I do, and I do them great. But it’s only human to have humanely interaction and in process, it does bring you down.

Ugly Boss

2008-06-27T11:44:00.000+02:00

Lately he (the big boss) has been making life difficult on everyone. As far as I know, the only problem I see is him. Remove him from our work equation, and viola! You’ll see productivity.

There was this rumors that he’s planning to put CCTV in our workplaces (the one you see in the supermarket and banks, where the manager is constantly peeking if customer are picking anything from the rack without paying). That time I thought it was an exaggeration of his malevolence but now this has become a reality for us. I constantly see my colleagues breaking down into tears because he is such an ass. Next time I see him, I’ll let him know he is an ass, big one.

Case of two Cows

2008-06-25T12:21:00.001+02:00

Today i feel quite up, so i though i'll share this rather interesting article shared by one of my colleagues.

1. SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.

2. COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

3. FASCISM:
You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

4. NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

5. BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

6. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

7. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

8. A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

9. A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

10. A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

11. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

12. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

13. A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

14. A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

15. AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

16. A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

17. A KENYAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You eat both.

online course

2008-06-23T07:15:00.000+02:00

These days, I’m doing an online course with my university on Governance and Political Science. Apparently the course is designed for those who don’t have much know-how about the subject.

This week we are suppose to discuss the first case. I download two reference materials from the site and tried reading them this weekend. They are so boring and I can’t really understand what the two authors are trying to say as they are drawing up somany references and hardly saying anything about them. I ended up reading the same pages over and over again without realizing I’ve already read them. I’ve even slept twice though the reading despite my skipping the lunch. So you can comprehend how boring it is.