mom's garden

pictures taken yesterday

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physic - truly fascinating

I am starting to wish that i paid more attention to Physic when i was in high school. Quantum Theory, cosmology, black holes, theory of relativity are fascinating though my knowledge on these topics are fussy and so tiny almost at sub-atomic level (making the physic joke). I'm in process of reading this book called 'Stephen Hawking quest for theory of everything' by Kitty Ferguson. The author rightly puts that the book is 'full of paradoxes. In science and with people, things are often not what they seem, and pieces that ought to fit together refuse to do so. You'll learn that beginning may be endings; cruel circumstances can lead to happiness, although fame and success may not .... anywhere we look in our universe, we find that reality is amazingly complex and elusive, sometimes alien, not always easy to take, impossible to predict.'

I think if i had paid more attention to the subject, i would have been able to understand the jelly fishes floating in the air, mechanism of live and death, the beginning of beginning and whole other set of things. For now these are questions in my head. But then again, things on boarder scale apply to things on smaller scale and to understand the macro prospective, its simpler when you understand the micro aspect of it. Thus at some weird point there is similarity as to why countries, neighbors and families don't get along and how our body is this vast universe of flying orbs. I guess in some sense we are this moving ball of energy? I wonder if the things we do under the circumstances we are in is out of free will or something more.

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deviant art

some pictures i took months ago.

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Yesterday I was telling someone that I do not have this thing about missing home, parents, husband, child, friends, places and anything that people usually and normally miss. Well even as I said those words, it did not sound right. She must have thought I’m this heap of ice without any feeling. I think i was lying when i said those things. However, I do think ideally it would be ideal to not have that sense of attachment to people, places, work, feeling, etc and just live in the moment moving on.

Interconnectivity is the word that i remember from this teaching i attended on Saturday. All lives and things are interconnected, interdependent and interlinked and it’s amazing when you sit back, contemplate and think about these things (starting from a tiny speck to the mighty universe). That’s why our personal problems; be it death, dispute, deadlines, disease or distress is really insignificant and not worth worrying about if you see the bigger panorama.

I was reading some stuff on cosmology, the following lines is something to think about.
"It should be apparent that this incredible process contains within it a distressing paradox: As the world system follows a path to greater material progress, each upward step on the material plane is accompanied by a corresponding downward movement of psychic or spiritual degeneration"

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some extraction from this supposedly plot-less unpublished book titled 'a life less lived' i wrote ages ago.

on life
I’m too human to be the kind of person that I want to be. If you ask me what I want to be, I’ll probably say I want to be those jelly-fishes floating in the air on sunny days, provided there’s a mighty wind that’ll take me as far as the white fluffy clouds

If life is nothing but a memory, I have only memorized the mistakes I’ve made. So I start to think that with each layer of live lived, I've a new layer of regret to carry forward. I think I’m losing my sense of wonder and innocence with every new layer of year added on me like its necessary. Even if I deny I won’t be the child I was. I could act like one but it’ll only make me look insane.

I feel like I was just born on this very day. The past of my being has been transmitted into layers of recollection in my head. But with the kind of forgetful head that I have, I guess I can very well say that I got no past to define me. So I guess I’m not lying when I say I was born now, at this very moment. And this moment keeps on moving forward with every tick tock. With every second on the clock, my skin withers away, it becomes the un-become and I grow closure to the ultimatum. If I ever knew my time would come, I’ll happily go to this desolated beach that I’ve locked in my head. I’ll go there and look into the ocean. There’s so much freedom in the vastness of an ocean or the cosmic Jacuzzi or the space blanket that I’m sheltered in. But I would feel the chain that ties me up to the world I belong.

Nowadays I complain a lot about the weather. Sometimes its either too hot or its too cold.

Funny how you just forget all those hours of anticipation and wait when the hour actually comes

on menstrual cramp
It still feels like I had a bullet ran into my stomach. I crunch my abdomen hoping for quick relief. But it’s in nature to feel this pain with every drip of fluid flowing out of me. The periodic pain started when I turned twelve. The first time it happened I really didn’t know what was happening with me. My mom never told me that a thing like that happens with our kind of species. I didn’t even realize what was happening to me then. So there I was thinking I was dying but I didn’t. I told no one out of embarrassment, not even my mother. She probably knew it anyway. So here I am clutching my abdomen like I was hit very hard. I was pretending to be one of those tragic characters in the giant black screen. I can be quite mad sometimes.

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started a new blog.

link here

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I think I’ll snap and do something totally wicked just because there is this credence pushing me down. Well I am metaphorically speaking but that’s the situation I am in right now, at this very moment. Well if you must know, I work with this crazy ssa (bs) who breaths down my neck. He is an embodiment of prejudices, corruption, pride, anger and all that sortta thing. I’ve skillfully avoided seeing his ugly face for sometime but despite that it’s no good. Well I’m not here to talk anything bad about him, its not worth it but I think at any given point of time coercion, seduction, manipulation, oppression or anything such as that should not force, induce or provoke you to do something immoral or unethical. ‘See the bigger picture’ and the light at the end of the tunnel. One good thing about anything is that it doesn’t last. The concept of ‘impermanence’ is truly comforting and consoling. Therefore be it anger, agitation, sadness, heart-break or pain, it will fad away into compassion, freedom, happiness, love and joy. Basically what I’m trying to say is that it’s not worth doing something wrong just because situation compels you to. It’s always better to do things right. At the end of the day, you answer only to yourself.

I’ve stopped thinking that I work for people or institution. I think at the end of the day if with what you do, you have ultimately helped or benefited someone other than yourself, that’s the thing thats worthwhile. I think its all with the intention of a greater good. After all I am a ‘public’ servant.

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random thoughts

Women are mad creatures. I am one and sometimes (most of the time I should say) I seriously do not understand the things I do, forget women in general. The thing with us is that we tend to read in between the lines (a lot). Like for instance, you may say one thing but we have this tendency of figuring our one and million things out of that the one thing you say. Crazy! But it’s true.

I guess maybe it’s the fact that I understand my own species better, I unintentionally keep my distance from them. I fear them, especially their raw emotion. I don’t know what to do when they get touchy and close. I feel uneasy in situation like that. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe its not. For my behaving like one, I’ve been putting the blame on the hormones.

Another thing I just realized is that I have hardly talked to the person on the other side of my cell, forget my neighbors. Is it work? Is it family? Is it time? I wonder if it’s a good thing not to have those humanly interaction. Men supposedly are ‘social creature’. Sometimes it’s good to get away from all that sortta thing but something nothing or too less of a something makes you question some things inside your cranium, ‘Is it normal?’ but what is ‘normal’ anyways.

People are fascinating, well some of them, not all. Met one earlier today. At some point we were basically talking about deities (out of all things to talk about). I was wondering if such a thing exists in any random places. Apparently they supposedly are. He was also talking about this yogi that lived 3400 years, if such a thing is possible. Apparently he travelled all around the globe under different alias doing wonders, magic and living life. His body was a ray of light, transcendent and magnificent. These are tales told today, some of which are now a myth. But I guess your mind has to be an open book to sink into unusual things as these. Just because you don’t see, can’t touch, smell or hear does not mean its not there. We have this perception and belief that what we see, hear, touch and feel is the truth. Maybe we’re not looking hard enough, maybe we don’t listen or maybe we don’t concentrate hard enough to feel things around us. The possibility of life beyond ours and the possibilities of things beyond what we see, hear and feel is simply facilitating and romantic (in some sense).

For now I’m little less here and little more there

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